Disney Laced Profanity
by ophelia22
Summary: Chapter Twelve-- Noah Puckerman is still in denial and Rachel's wearing a skirt the size of a belt. Final Chapter is up! P/R
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** Disney Laced Profanity

**Author: **ophelia22**  
**

**Pairing,Character(s):** Puck/Rachel

**Rating:** T (language)

**Genre:** Romance, Humor

**Disclaimer:** I don't Glee or anything remotely associated with it.

**Spoilers:** All aired episodes

**Summary:** A viewing of Harry Potter leads to some important revelations for Rachel and some self hatred for Puck.

**Author's note:** This is my first foray into Glee fic world! Special appreciation goes out to **honeyprose** for the encouragement and beta. It has been a long, long time since I've written-- so all constructive criticism would be HIGHLY appreciated!

********

**Chapter One**

She's not sure why she's never noticed before, but Rachel thinks that Puck might just be a little dead inside. Is it because he has regularly made her life hell since 8th grade graduation? No. Is it because he impregnated his best friend's girlfriend? No. Is it because he once yawned in the middle of the chorus of "Seasons of Love"? Unbelievably, no.

She's pretty sure he's a little (a lot?) dead inside because (prepare yourself!) _he didn't cry when Dumbledore died_. Nothing. Not a tear, not a sniffle, not even a slightly tense expression. Worse, she suspects that he feels the moment was kind of cool in an unfortunate, teenage boy kind of way. (The fact that he mutters "sweet" right after it happens is her first indication that something is wrong)

When she ventures this opinion to Puck shortly after the credits start to roll, he slides his eyes over to her but says nothing. The death of some old, dress-wearing dude is the least of his problems. He just spent a Saturday night watching Harry Fucking Potter at Berry's house.

Seriously. What the hell?

****

It starts like this:

A week after sectionals, Rachel starts showing up late to practice. No one knows quite what to make of it. It is never more than 10 minutes, and if it was Puck or Santana or even Finn (who seems to have bought himself a year's worth of free passes with baby-gate), no one would think a thing of it. But this is Rachel. And she is late. Repeatedly.

On her 6th straight day of tardiness, Mr. Schuester finally takes her aside after practice.

Rachel's heart sinks. She knew this was coming.

Puck doesn't stay to hear Berry get in trouble. He doesn't. Puck stays because he is tired from all the new choreography they just learned and doesn't feel like getting up from his chair yet. And if he gets to hear Mr. Schue lay into Crazy a little bit, well, that is just an added bonus. He likes hearing other students get bitched at every now and then, and he absolutely doesn't care if she mentions WHY she's been late all week.

"Rachel, you must know what this is about."

Mr. Schuester's voice comes out soft and patient. Puck tries to look uninterested as Rachel shoots a furtive glance his way before turning back to their teacher. Her frantic and whispered reply just barely works its way over to him. (Turns out? Puck's mom isn't just being a nag when she forces him to turn his stereo down and yells that he'll make himself deaf before he's out of puberty. How she hasn't noticed the puberty stick finished beating him black and blue at least a year ago is a mystery.)

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schuester. My tardiness is inexcusable. Please don't think that I'm resting on my laurels now that I have received my first -- though surely not my last -- standing ovation at Sectionals." She takes a deep breath. She has to make him understand. "You have my word that I am getting to practice as soon as humanly possible given the unavoidable circumstances that have confronted me recently..."

"Rachel"

She can't let him interrupt. He doesn't understand. He's going to make Kurt the new Captain to punish her. She knows this with every fiber of her being.

"...and I know you like taking things from me and giving them to other people, but please don't take my position as Captain away. I can assure you that..."

Mr. Schuester pinches the bridge of his nose. "Rachel. Stop. Just take a breath."

Rachel knows that look. She stops. (Don't say this year hasn't brought her a certain level of personal growth.)

Across the room, Puck is relieved that Mr. Schue manages to stop the flood of words before all the air is sucked out of the room. And when he says flood, he means FLOOD. He's pretty sure he saw more than a little spit flying out of Crazy's mouth just then. Apparently? It is hard to emphatically whisper without turning into a spray hose. He tries not to smile in anticipation of the bitching out Berry's about to get. This should be good.

Mr. Schuester puts his hand on her shoulder. "Rachel, I'm not taking anything away. I don't doubt that you have a very good reason for being late. I just want to make sure that everything is OK. This behavior is very unlike you."

Puck blinks. What the fuck? This is definitely not the kind of talk HE gets from teachers every week. Where's the scowl? Where's the yelling? And why the hell has no one mentioned her permanent record? Puck doesn't give a shit about something as lame sounding as a permanent record, but Miss Pillsbury sure as fuck seemed to last week when she was talking about HIS.

Rachel bites her bottom lip and looks at her teacher in silence. She can't decide the best way to approach this.

"What's going on Rachel?"

It is only when she shoots another glance towards Puck that Mr. Schuester notices they aren't alone.

"Puck. I didn't realize you were still here. Did you need something?"

Puck is suddenly very interested in his backpack. "Uh, no man. I'm cool. Just hanging out.... waiting for.... uh.... my ride."

It's Rachel's turn to blink. Since when does Puck need a ride? He has a truck. She starts to mention this but stops. Yes, she knows he has a truck. A truck with an unfortunately placed gear shift, as a matter of fact.

Puck sees her scowl and returns it with a smirk. Rachel sure as shit knows he has a truck. No WAY has she forgotten his truck. His expression dares her to mention it. Her mouth snaps shut and his smirk grows to one of his rare grins.

She rolls her eyes and turns back to Mr. Schuester. She's not sure why Puck seems to be eavesdropping, but she's determined to ignore the little feeling in her chest (is that hope?) it brings.

"Well, if you must know, my performance at Sectionals seems to have attracted a certain amount of attention from a young man on the hockey team. Apparently, the version that I uploaded on You Tube -- I'm trying to branch out from My Space, you really can never have too many social media outlets, you know...." She catches herself before she goes completely off topic. "Well, it caught his attention and has made him decide to act out in some inappropriate ways as a means to prove that he is my biggest fan."

Puck stops grinning but Rachel doesn't notice.

"He's usually waiting for me in the hallway. I've tried explaining to him multiple times that I really don't have the time for fan interactions before Glee, but his dedication seems to know no bounds. Fortunately, his practice starts just 15 minutes after ours -- so usually I can just stay in the ladies' room and wait for him to leave."

Puck isn't sure whose frown is deeper, his or Schue's.

"Rachel, are you saying that another student is harassing you?"

At that, her eyes wander back over to Puck and he can't help but wonder just how clueless Schuester really is, sometimes. Do any students in this school NOT harass Berry? Puck gives up acting uninterested -- but he stays in his chair as he half shouts across the room.

"Dude. Berry. Half of this school is in love with my body and do you see ME waltzing my fine ass in here late every day? I don't think so."

Puck is sure Rachel doesn't even realize she just stomped her foot a little when she turns to look at him.

"Ugh. Why do you even care, Noah?"

He shrugs. "I admit that any dude that has decided to crush on all that crazy you have going on has got to be a little whacked" (he tries not to squirm as he says this) "But I don't see why that means you have to hide in the bathroom until your lover boy leaves. Suck it up."

Mr. Schuester chooses that moment to try to reassert some authority. "Puck, that's enough. If Rachel feels that..."

Rachel can't let him finish. How dare Noah Puckerman (of all people!) tell HER to suck it up. He wouldn't know professionalism if it bit him in his aforementioned ass (of course, professionalism would first have to FIND his ass in those ridiculously baggy jeans that he wears as if he were some tough, inner city hoodlum instead of a boy that's never been outside of Ohio). She stalks over to his chair and glares down at him.

"Yes, well you clearly haven't experienced this kind of adulation. If I don't wait for him to leave, he does something drastic to get my attention."

Puck raises an eyebrow. "Like?"

Rachel sighs. "Well, last week he spritzed me."

Mr. Schuester cocks his head to the side but says nothing. Puck has a sinking feeling that he doesn't want to know, but he asks anyway. "What the hell do you mean, he 'spritzed' you?"

She starts to look a little embarrassed. "Well, he said it was a tribute to my performance of _Don't Rain on My Parade_..... and he spritzed me down with a water bottle." (At least she _hopes _it was water.)

Puck swallows but doesn't say anything.

Rachel had hoped she could spin this correctly for Mr. Schuester, but no way is Puck not seeing through her version of events. He is, after all, a pioneer in torturing Rachel Berry. She starts talking faster.

"And while I realize that he was being unintentionally ironic by actually RAINING on my parade -- I think his actions show a level of creativity and devotion that I never really expected from a fan this early in my career."

Puck knows there are no words for this level of lunacy. And Rachel? She's crazy but she isn't a fucking loon. And only a loon would believe the crap she's currently spouting.

"He spritzed you?"

Mr. Schuester's belated question is the only thing that reminds both Puck and Rachel that he's in the room. Rachel bites her lip again and Puck sighs, stands up and slings his bag over one shoulder.

"I got this, Mr. Schue."

And with that, Puck pulls Rachel by the elbow out into the hall. She doesn't know what to feel. She's insulted by the look of relief on her teacher's face as he turns her over (turns her OVER!) to an emotionally stunted (yet strangely hot) hoodlum. She's confused at Puck's sudden interest in her lack of punctuality. She's also particularly annoyed about how much stronger than her he clearly is even though she spends 40 minutes on the elliptical every morning. (Perhaps some light weight training is in order?). If she's also feeling a certain amount of uhm..... well, _warmth_.... in direct relation to his take charge attitude and overheated hand on her arm, well -- that's nothing but an indication that she has been wasting far, far too much time on premium cable television shows.

Puck stops once he has her in front of the lockers. Crossing his arms, he gives her an impatient look. "OK, Berry. Enough with the Pollyanna shit. What is really going on?"

Rachel's jaw gapes open. She can't help it. "You can't use profanity in the same sentence as a classic Disney movie!" She pauses. "Wait. You know who Pollyanna is?"

****

And that right there? Is how it started. This is how it continued...

****

It took awhile for her to get the story out. The real one, that is.

As best as Puck can tell, some senior douche on the hockey team had seen an opening on Team Torture Berry (he is choosing not to dwell on whose recent retirement created that spot) and decided to try to make a name for himself in some desperate, last minute attempt before he graduates.

"Berry. You can't hide from this idiot. It's only going to get worse."

Puck really wishes she'd quit biting her lip like that. It only reminds him of other places those lips have nibbled and shit like that is distracting.

Rachel sees his eyes linger on her lips. It makes that little feeling in her chest grow, and for some reason, this infuriates her.

"I don't see how this is _any _of your business, Noah. Since when do you have any interest in helping _me_? I would think your sympathy in this situation would be with your fellow jock. He's clearing just following the path of the trail you blazed."

He knew some shit like that was coming, but it still makes him cringe which is annoying. She's right. He doesn't know why he cares (okay, he _knows-_he's just not about to admit it).

"Whatever, Berry. Good luck with your next wet t-shirt contest." He hates himself a little, but he can't help but add, "You can't hide like some _girl _forever. It won't work."

He starts to stalk off down the hall, and she suppresses the urge to grin. She calls after him with both hands on her hips. "I _am _a girl, Noah." He stops, but doesn't turn around. "I am a little surprised you've already forgotten that." She smirks a little. "I'm sure your _truck_ remembers."

Puck's trying to hide it, but she can tell he's fighting not to smile as he starts to turn back towards her. Rachel feels that strange surge of pride she always does when she's able to amuse someone _intentionally_. He takes a few steps back towards her, and Rachel is surprised to find herself at the end of a somewhat intense look.

"Look, Berry. It's only going to get worse. He's trying to make a name for himself. It's dude's senior year. Douche Bag's desperate and you're only making yourself a bigger challenge. You need to take this situation by the balls."

Puck feels like an idiot, but she looks so small, standing there with her arms crossed in front of her. She's right. He's the fucking expert in this field. If he doesn't make her understand, then who will? Finn's not going to be any help. He's still stumbling around like an angry zombie. (Puck's starting to wonder if maybe Finn really isn't ever going to bake him that cake.) He takes a deep breath and tries to fake some patience.

"Ok, so what did you leave out?"

Rachel starts a little. How did he know? She forces herself not to back up as he walks towards her.

"I'm sure I don't know what you are talking about, Noah. I've given you a complete and accurate picture of the situation." He cocks an eyebrow at her and she starts to sputter. "I don't know what you want! Did he make some possible additional threats through the bathroom door? Of course! But I am sure that was just adolescent, male bluster. And while, yes, I am a little concerned that my fathers picked this weekend to go visit my Aunt Sadie, I am sure things will be fine."

It takes Puck a minute to process the Rachel-speak, but when he does he's not happy.

"And just what the fuck is going to happen this weekend?"

"I don't know. But I've been assured it is going to be 'epic'." She shrugs. "I'm sure it will be some ridiculous prank that proves nothing but the massive immaturity of the perpetrator. Nothing more, nothing less".

She's putting on a good show, but Puck's pretty sure he saw a lip quiver when she got to the "nothing less" part of that statement.

"I just wish...."

He's not going to do it. Puck is absolutely _not_ going to do it.

She bites her lip (he seems to like that, though she has no idea why) and looks at him through lowered lashes. "I just wish I didn't have to be home alone while dealing with the anticipation of his juvenile theatrics."

****

And that shit? That's how Puck ended up spending his Saturday night watching Harry Fucking Potter.

****


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks so much for the encouraging reviews and all of the alerts! I had a lot of fun writing this next chapter, so I hope you guys enjoy it too. (Oh, and sorry for the off-putting summary! LOL I'll try to do better next time). **

**Please, please let me know what you think! (The good AND the bad)**

Chapter Two

Puck thinks that Rachel Berry has an unusual aptitude for making out. (Wait. Rewind -- Puck refuses to start thinking in Berry-talk). Let's try this again....

Puck thinks that Berry is proving to be fucking awesome in the make-out department. Problem is -- he's not sure where the girl picked up her technique. Sure, he's good- but they were only together for a week. Even Puck isn't _that_ good. And it isn't that he objects to her, uhm, _abilities_....it's just, well ... she wasn't _this_ good before (Don't misunderstand. Excluding the boob prohibition, he always had a ridiculously hot time making out with Rachel ... but half the fun was how enthusiastic she was even though she didn't know what the fuck she was doing). But somewhere between the last time he kissed her and the current session on her couch, Rachel Berry got some serious practice in. More to the point -- someone taught her to do something unfuckingbelievable with her tongue.

He's both insanely turned on and incredibly pissed.

*******

This is how it starts:

Puck picks Harry Potter because it seems to be the only thing on Berry's DVD shelf that won't immediately make him feel like a pussy for watching. He doesn't really expect it to result in some sort of great, emotional revelation for her. Is she really just now figuring out he's a heartless asshole? All the things he's done over the years and it takes him smirking about the death of a fictional old dude for her to lose her shit? He slides his eyes over to her and tries to remember how the hell he ended up sitting on Berry's couch on a Saturday night. All he really remembers is her biting her lip, sounding vaguely scared and mentioning some baked goods. He knew he was _easy_ but this is pathetic.

Rachel doesn't respond well to his silence. "Noah. Are you listening to me? I don't understand why you would think the death of a pivotal character would be 'sweet'." A thought occurs to her and her eyebrows lift. "Is this because you haven't seen the other five movies? Perhaps you are missing the full emotional landscape because you don't have the entire back story."

Did she just say _emotional landscape? _He can't help it -- he starts to laugh. (He's tempted to tell her he went to all of the movies with his little sister, but somehow thinks that might just send her right over the edge.)

"Noah! This is _not_ funny. I am very concerned about what this means for your emotional development."

He can't breathe and he thinks he might fall off her couch if she keeps this up. (But he'll punch you in the nuts if you think he has the giggles).

Rachel sits up primly on the edge of the couch -- posture perfect -- as she frowns worriedly at him. "Noah, I'm serious. Dumbledore is a father figure for Harry throughout the books. I'm afraid that your callousness towards his tragic passing may reflect some of your own ambivalence about...."

Her brain catches up with her mouth and she stops, but not before Puck's laughter also comes to an abrupt halt.

"You really want to go there, Berry?"

She doesn't want to go there. Really. Rachel's furious with her mouth for getting away from her. She blames her nerves. The butterflies took flight the minute the doorbell rang (she never thought for a minute he'd _actually_ come) and won't seem to leave. And as always, her nerves manifest themselves in a severe case of verbal diarrhea that sounds a whole lot like psycho babble. Apparently the silence after the movie was more than they could take.

"Noah, I...."

Puck shoves himself to his feet. "Just forget it. This is ridiculous. I don't know what I'm doing here."

Rachel stands and quickly places herself between him and the door. "You're here because underneath it all, you really do have a chivalrous streak and you knew that coming would be an important milestone in our attempt to navigate a successful friendship!" (She knows that's total crap, by the way -- she has no earthly idea _why_ he's here_. _She's just trying to annoy him. Hurt Noah tends to leave the room. Annoyed Noah stays and fights. And for reasons best left unexamined, she wants him to stay.)

Puck rolls his eyes but doesn't move any closer to the door. (Rachel can't help but allow herself a small, triumphant smile.) "I came here because you promised me brownies and beer." He gestures towards the empty plate on the coffee table, "So far you've only met half our bargain, sweetheart."

Rachel's smile dissolves into a look of outrage. "I promised you no such thing! Yes, I mentioned that I usually do my baking on Saturday afternoons, but I _never _said a word about providing a fellow minor with any sort of alcoholic beverage!" She thinks frantically back over every word they had exchanged. Is it possible he misunderstood something?

"The beer was implied, Berry." Puck throws himself back down on the couch (Rachel is too outraged to consider this a victory) "When I show up somewhere on the weekend, the presence of alcohol is just, like, _understood."_

Rachel refuses to dignify that with a response, and she crosses the room to sit back down on the other side of the couch. She tries not to think about what other _activities_ are also usually just _understood_ about his weekends.

Puck watches her frown to herself about something (God knows what) and sighs. They sit in silence for a few minutes, but then he startles them both by speaking.

"So, wanna make out?"

****

Believe it or not, that's how it started (again). This is how it continued.

****

Rachel huffs. "I cannot believe you just said that." Puck doesn't want to tell her that he kind of can't believe he said it _either_, but he doesn't have to worry about speaking because Rachel's not done. "Just because I responded affirmatively last time you tried that dreadful line on me, please do not assume that it will always result in a tumble across my bed!"

Puck refuses to look like he cares one way or the other, so he shrugs. "Really? Huh. Well, it worth a shot." (No, it wasn't. Why did he just ask her that?) He starts to get even more uncomfortable when he notices just how intensely she has started to stare at him.... like he's something she's decided to study in science class.

"Just how many girls have you tried that on?"

Her tone is curious and not at all judgmental, but he still really wishes she hadn't just asked him that. Instead of answering, he just slouches lower on her couch, knees jutting out so far they almost hit the coffee table.

"I'm serious, Noah. I really want to know. Do you find that it frequently results in success?"

Puck sighs as he rubs a hand over his face before crossing his arms over his chest. "What do you want to hear, Berry? It's straight and to the point. Most girls respect that." He glances back over at her, "Let's just say you weren't the first chick who shrugged and said _sure_". (But she _is_ the first one who surprised him when she said it.)

When she speaks, Rachel's voice comes out softly (for once) and she bites her bottom lip (again! Puck really wishes she'd knock that shit off). "I'm sure I won't be the last, either."

"Nope." He's not sure that's what she wanted to hear, but believe it or not, he kind of respects Berry. He figures he probably owes her the truth (most of the time). She might be a loon, but he doesn't think she's ever lied to him.

Rachel's still thinking about something he said earlier. "You're right. It _is _straight and to the point. No games. I can respect that."

His eyebrows shoot up. "Seriously?"

She nods. "In fact, I tried something very similar with Finn."

Puck blinks. Is this girl ever going to stop surprising and horrifying him at the same time? He turns slightly on the couch until he's facing her. "You what?"

Rachel grins a little. "I told him he could kiss me if he wanted. That's not so different, really." She doesn't know if he wants to hear the rest, but no way is she turning down the opportunity to rub _this_ in. "And you're right. It _does_ work." She reaches over to punch him lightly on the shoulder "See? We're more alike than you ever realized, Noah Puckerman."

He is absolutely not going to grin at her. This is horrifying. Not only has she made out with Finn at some point (don't think he's not getting clarification on _that _timeline later)...but he is a _stud_ and Rachel Berry has NO game. None. There is nothing _remotely_ similar about their technique with the opposite sex.

Whatever she sees in his face makes her grin grow. Rachel reaches over to punch him again. "Admit it, Puckerman. You know you want to!"

His lips twitch but he maintains a silent glare. Rachel starts to laugh as a bizarre, fizzy feeling sweeps across her chest. She doesn't know why, but she suddenly feels like she won some game she didn't know she was playing. (Also? Rachel thinks she is really really close to making him laugh. _On Purpose_. Time to go for the gold.)

"Oh my god! I am a baby Puck in training!" She leans back against the arm of the couch and starts to poke his stomach with her bare toes. "Admit it! You're amazed at my level of game with men."

Puck hates himself a little as a bark of laughter escapes out of his mouth. "Shut up, Berry." He grabs her foot. "Lightening is going to strike if you keep comparing our love lives." Without thinking, he tightens his grip on her foot and gives it a tug. He's a little surprised when her butt slides half way across the couch (she's so damn little -- he's pretty sure he's seen hunting dogs bigger than her).

Not to be out done, Rachel brings up her other foot. She's trying to poke him in the chest with her foot, but between her laughter and Puck's tugs at her other leg, her aim is somewhat lacking. His free hand captures her other foot right before it has a premature meeting with his boys.

"Watch it, crazy. You're about to put a permanent dent in my game." Sitting up on his knees on the couch, Puck grins as he pulls both of her legs towards him. "If you wanted to meet my fellas, I could have arranged a much less violent introduction."

Her laughter dies in her throat, and Rachel's blushing furiously as he starts to lean over her. "I'm sorry. I really didn't mean to....." but her voice trails off at the look of affection in his eyes. Is that for her? At this point, she can't really remember just what it is she didn't mean to do.

Puck really hopes she can't feel just how hard his heart is beating right now. He leans closer, "Hey, Berry?" Rachel's just looking at him, still blushing. Puck's pretty sure she couldn't speak now even if Regionals were on the line. He leans over her until their noses are almost touching and his voice is soft, "Wanna make out?"

Rachel manages a grin. "Sure"

****

And that shit? That's how Puck learned that Rachel's game was not quite as bad as he'd always thought.

*****


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

Rachel has made some well intentioned but ultimately bad decisions over the years.

For instance, there was that unfortunate incident in the 8th grade when she invited a girl that was new in school over to her house. On paper, it was brilliant. Rachel was always looking for new friends (Well, to be honest -- Rachel was always looking for A friend. Just _one_ would have been nice)... and the new girl didn't know anyone else yet. No one had been able to tell her that she was supposed to automatically avoid "the show off". Rachel had been sure that a preemptive strike would be the perfect way to get a bosom friend (her new bff would love her before she knew she was supposed to hate her). And it might of worked. Rachel wonders to this day what would have happened if the new girl had been anyone but Quinn Fabray (She'll never forget the look on Quinn's face when she realized that the second man at their house wasn't her dad's _business _partner).

Looking at the laughing boys on her front lawn, Rachel thinks it is highly likely that she has made another such mistake.

*****

This is how it starts.

Rachel really enjoys making out with Noah Puckerman. And while it is certainly true that his promiscuity has many, many disadvantages -- many classic songs have taught Rachel to firmly believe that every cloud has a silver lining (his silver lining, by the way, is _not_ a small one). It would be extremely dishonest of her if she did not at least acknowledge that Noah's man-whore ways have brought him to a very satisfying level of proficiency on several fronts. (She likes to think that he doesn't find her to be a complete novice, either.... at least not if the moans he is currently emitting are any indication.) She grins into his mouth as she (carefully) slides a foot around to the back of his thigh.

Puck tears his mouth away from hers to catch a breath. He looks down at her and grins. "Fuck, Berry. Where did you..." But for once, Rachel isn't remotely interested in talking. She cranes her neck and captures his mouth again with hers.

It is quite some time before he tries to speak again.

Some of that has to do with Rachel's persistence, but truth be told, Puck's not really minding the silence. Yes, part of him wants to know where she picked up her new skills, but he's having trouble keeping a train of thought going. Besides, what kind of dickhead interrupts a hot ass make-out session on a couch (when the parents _aren't home_) to ask for previous hookup references?

Puck's mouth slides over hers and he realizes suddenly that he's making some serious progress here. His hand is half way up her stomach (under the shirt!) and she hasn't made a move to stop him. In fact, if the way her leg keeps hitching up higher (and higher) on his hip is any indication, the boob prohibition might not be the only ridiculous rule falling by the wayside tonight. (Somewhere in the back of his head he wonders when her rules loosened up so much, but again -- _not a dickhead_.Ever hear the phrase don't look a gift horse in the mouth? Puck's not really sure what the hell that means, actually, but it seems like that weird shit might apply to this situation.)

He's in the home stretch (Is that bra-grade cotton he just felt brush his fingertip? He didn't get enough a feel to tell the brand, though he suspects he could give a good guess) when Rachel abruptly pulls back.

"Wait."

_So close and yet so far_ is the first thing that pops into Puck's head. (_Are you fucking kidding me?_ is a close second)

****

So that's it how it started (and no, she wasn't fucking kidding). This is how it continued.

*****

Rachel bites her lip and looks up at him.

"I just wanted to say.....that is, I think we should take a moment to assess......" Rachel stops, feeling rather flummoxed, but then she glances down and notices something, "Your hand is still up my shirt."

Puck cocks one eyebrow "Yeah -- and?"

Awareness of the respective (and intertwined) positions of their bodies is creeping in, and she's starting to get flustered. "Well, I called a time out!"

He rubs a thumb across her ribs and smirks. "Yeah, you did. But fair's fair, Berry.... and your hand is still up _my _shirt." The sheer astonishment on her face would be comical if he wasn't so annoyed that he _still _hasn't touched Rachel Berry's boobs.

Rachel's face flushes as she quickly takes her right hand off of the skin of Puck's lower back and brings it out from under his shirt. How can she not remember having worked her way under his clothing? What kind of weird, sexual voodoo magic does this boy have? She brings her hand back to her side but quickly realizes that Puck's hand is right where it was before -- hovering just slightly underneath her favorite cotton bra. (What? She's 16 and has two fathers.... at what point, exactly, was someone supposed to have taken her on some sort of sexy bra shopping expedition? That's the kind of things girls with _friends_ do, and all Rachel has in that department is a gay frenemy who seems determined to do more harm than good.)

"Noah. Your hand."

He smiles but does nothing. "What about it?"

She huffs. "Well, I removed my hand from _your _shirt! The obvious second step implied here is that you should now remove yours from _my_ shirt."

Puck shakes his head. "Berry. When you're talking about a guy with his hand up your shirt, nothing's ever implied." (_But your beer is?_ Rachel thinks but doesn't say) "Until he hears the words, no dude is giving up the promised land on his own until a parent walks in or he decides he needs both hands to take your shirt _off_."

(Actually, Rachel has very good reason to know that _isn't_ true of all boys. Puck may be wrong about that particular rule of thumb, but she really doesn't want to have that conversation right now.)

She glares at him. "So, I have to actually say _Puck please take your hand out from under my shirt_ to get you to behave like a gentlemen?"

His hand stays nestled under her shirt as he cocks his head and seems to ponder her words. "Yup, I think that's pretty much what I'm saying." Rachel gives her shirt a pointed look but says nothing. He grins at her. "What? That was clearly a hypothetical!"

She rolls her eyes, "Alright then. Noah Puckerman, consider this my formal request for you to take your damn hand out from under my shirt!" (She threw in the _damn _just for him but immediately decides it was a mistake. Profanity just sound weird coming out of her mouth.)

"All you had to do was ask, Berry!" Puck grins (Rachel's fucking cute when she swears) and takes his hand out. And then before he can think too much about the impulse, he leans down and kisses her on the nose before sitting up quickly.

Rachel grumbles as she sits up too, and looks kind of ridiculously hot all flushed and rumpled (her hair is going fucking _everywhere_). Only a pansy would tell her that, though, so instead he reaches for a throw pillow and whacks her (softly) in the face. She sputters for a minute and then looks at him. "Are you an infant?" All Puck can do is shrug, because well.... _yeah_... he kind of _is_ an infant. Duh.

She glares at him, but it's half-hearted glare. Really, she's too busy wondering what this all _means_ to be truly annoyed. She doesn't really want to ask him, though.... she'd never get a straight answer, anyway. Her thought process is interrupted by a loud commotion on the front lawn. Her heart flips and she can't believe she was so _stupid_. How could she have forgotten the _entire point_ of Noah's presence here? Somehow she'd managed to block out that he was here to keep her company in case that mentally stunted jock actually showed up.

Puck sees the alarm flash in Rachel's eyes when they hear the crash on the lawn, and his mood rapidly moves from amused arousal to pissed. How the hell did he forget about the Douche Bag and his lame ass attempts to make a name for himself? (Well, he knows how he forgot- _hello--_ his hand was up Berry's shirt until 5 seconds ago.) Puck gets up from the couch and adjusts his jeans (he's sure Rachel thinks that was crude-- but dude's gotta do what's necessary sometimes).

"Wait here"

Rachel feels a thrill of anticipation as he stalks over to the front door and goes outside. Is this what it feels like to send your man off to battle? Puck isn't her man, she knows.... and her front yard is hardly the beaches of Normandy...... but still.... this is by far one of the most dramatic moments of her life! (sad but true) She's taking mental notes, but she wonders if she shouldn't perhaps jot down a few of her impressions on paper as well.... this could be an important moment to draw from in some future performance. (How should she describe her current emotion? Concerned Excitement? Thrilled Concern? Proud Worry?) After all, someone is about to get beat up... just for her! (Wait. Is someone actually about to get beat up? For her?) The thought of actual physical violence brings her up short. Hypothetical violence is all well and good, but after seeing Finn attack Noah in the practice room-- she has very little interest in seeing anything like that ever again. No matter the cause.

She hops up from the couch and rushes to the front door (that's already standing open since Noah was raised in a barn). When she gets there, however, Rachel is not met with the scene she expects. Her trashcan is knocked over by the curb, and Puck is standing on the driveway with the neanderthal. She's sees the grin on Puck's face and sighs.

"Dude! This IS fucking epic! How long did this take you?"

The enthusiasm in Puck's voice is something Rachel's only ever heard from him when discussing dessert or his own body (he seems particularly proud of both his ass and his _guns_....but she really couldn't venture a guess as to which one he's most proud of). She can't hear the other boy's response. Sighing, she takes a tentative step off her porch and on to the lawn. She's careful to avoid a small, round yellow ball of _something_ in the grass (one of many, _many _yellow balls of something all over her yard).

"Noah?" He turns to her grinning like a kid at Disney World but Rachel refuses to smile back. (This is _not_ how it happens in the movies.) "What _is_ all this? Why are you out here _complimenting _him?" (Translation: You're supposed to be out here _scaring_ him!)

Puck turns to look at his companion, "You tell her, Steve." Rachel rolls her eyes (Steve? Not an hour ago he was Douche Bag... and now he's Steve?) and then he looks back at her with a ridiculous gleam in his eyes, "Just listen, Berry. This is _brilliant_."

Clearly flattered by the attention (and forgetting that Rachel is not likely to be impressed since it is HER lawn he mutilated), Douche Bag (or Steve, if you prefer) turns to her and tries to look like the badass he's clearly _not_, "Get it? They're balls of butter!"

(Between this and the spritzing, Rachel can't help but feel a little bit sorry for him. He's so _literal_)

Once Douche Bag (As of now, she _refuses _to call him Steve) explains his opus, Puck dies laughing. And Rachel knows for certain that she has once again made a _major _miscalculation.

*****

She really hates profanity, but that shit? That's how Rachel ended up spending a Saturday night collecting 40 pounds of butter off her front lawn.

(Noah may have helped. The Douche Bag did not.)


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note: Sorry for the delay! The holidays really knocked me out of my writing loop. Hopefully the speed will pick back up now that I'm home. **

**Thank you SO MUCH for all of the encouraging reviews. You guys are the best!**

Chapter Four

Noah Puckerman doesn't do angst. He doesn't wonder about chicks and what they're thinking. He doesn't speculate about stupid things like _feelings_. And he _really_ doesn't do the whole _what if _thing. Things are what they fucking are.

Basically? You know what you know and if you _don't_ fucking know it, then you obviously don't need to.

Looking out the lobby window at the pair standing next to the McKinley Activities bus, though.... well, Puck is reconsidering. Rachel has that stupid grin (that he absolutely does _not_ find cute) on her face, and he's being forcefully reminded that there are things about her he doesn't know. Things he might _want _to know...

Keep in mind, he doesn't actually _care_ what Rachel Berry does. There's no need for any swooning, people. (What? You think you can be Noah Puckerman and not know a thing or TEN about chicks swooning? He is the fucking master of swoon.) Puck is absolutely _not_ jealous. He doesn't want to do something completely retarded like be in some ridiculous _relationship _with Rachel Berry. Get serious.

_(_Besides, if he's going to turn into a total douche and be _someone's_ boyfriend -- even Puck knows it should be his baby mama. Quinn might be a fucking bitch most of the time, but his baby is in her belly and he doesn't take that shit lightly.)

But even Puck can't escape the fact that Rachel Berry is holding hands with some curly headed asshole. And that kind of shit would make _anyone_ want to know what the hell is going on.

********

It starts like this:

Rachel spent most of her sophomore year happily oblivious to the fact that no one in Glee club seem to know (or _care_) about anything in her life. Sure, she knew they didn't seem to _like_ her much -- but she thought they were at least _aware_ of her when she wasn't singing.

But then she started spending time (making out) with Noah Puckerman.

Even now, a month later, Rachel doesn't understand the giant non-reaction to her brief _whatever _with Noah.(Really, she doesn't know what to call it. _Relationship _would be self-delusion on a grand scale._ Fling_ sounds far too light hearted and fun. _Hook Up_ makes it sound like he got past second base, and _he most certainly did not._) Maybe no one knew about the things they did on her bed, in his truck, and well.... a few other places. But Noah Puckerman serenaded her and no one batted an eyelash (she's sure everyone would agree that bitch faces from Santana hardly count). He escorted her down the hall and nary an eyebrow was raised. He quit the football team and hugged her _without the slightest sexual innuendo_ in front of the entire Glee Club, and still -- NOTHING. In fact, it was only when Mr. Schue asked her about her relationship with Puck (during that _horribly_ embarrassing week she still shudders to think about) that Rachel became sure that anyone had even noticed.

In the beginning, this didn't bother her overly much. She was, of course, rather disappointed that Finn hadn't turned immediately green with envy. But apart from that, she chose not to worry about it. Such is life as a misunderstood ingenue. These things happen.

However, seven days later, she broke up with Noah. And still.... _no one cared_. This makes Rachel rethink a few things.

Since she was quite young, Rachel has been aware that the only times she seems to get any level of acknowledgement from people is when she's either singing or having a diva moment. (Obviously, a qualified psychologist could have a field day with that observation, but she chooses to believe that her psyche is not _that_ obvious.) However, if _Rachel Berry_ "dating" _Noah Puckerman_ isn't sufficient to get anyone's attention -- well, the problem is obviously much bigger than Rachel ever realized.

That's when Rachel decides that perhaps it is time to expand the eligible pool of participants for some of her attempts at social interactions. (Even though he says they aren't friends, she can still hear him in her head: _Speak English, for fuck's sake.)_

She starts by signing up for the new _Group_ _Vocal Dynamics!_ class being offered by her voice couch, Sasha. She's always preferred to focus her efforts on one-on-one tutelage, but if Glee has taught her anything, it's that singing with other people can be much more fun than singing alone (to a video camera). The class is a success on several levels -- the most surprising of which is that the bulk of her learning comes _after_ class with a cute older boy who has the most beautiful tenor voice she's ever heard (in Ohio). She's still not sure how his tongue ended up in her mouth that first time, but really it is no big mystery. Rachel has always been a sucker for boys who not only compliment her singing (he'd said she took his breath away!) but can keep up with her vocally.

(Later, she wonders if she should be worried that she's so easily taken in by _anyone_ who seems to notice her. At all.)

She passes a very lovely four weeks participating in her new clandestine activities and learning a great deal about the _other _advantages of all that diaphragm work she's done over the years. (Again, it can hardly be called a _relationship _when they don't even know each other's last names). And Rachel refuses to feel guilty for succumbing to Puck's infantile advances at her house. After all, she is not in an exclusive _thing_ with anyone.

Rachel is just having fun.....she's almost sure.

On Monday, Mr. Schuester announces the field trip to the Carmel High Invitational for the following weekend, and Rachel realizes it is the perfect thing to take her mind off of the unfortunate _ball of butter_ incident of the previous weekend. Mr. Schue feels strongly (and Rachel quite agrees) that this is the perfect opportunity to scope out their top competition at Regionals.

The rest of the club agrees as well -- they just aren't as hyped about meeting in the school parking lot at 6am on a weekend to get to the other school "bright and early". Puck in particular seems to blame Rachel for the god forsaken hour of their departure. Mr. Schue may have announced it as if it were his idea, but Puck is pretty damn sure that it was only after an annoyingly detailed pep talk from Berry. As a form of protest, he stays out all night on Friday drinking beer and slushees in the 7-11 parking lot. (Well, if you want to get all technical about it -- he went home for 20 minutes to convince his mother that he was obeying her lame ass curfew before promptly climbing back out the window)

As a result, he's now the proud owner of two blood-shot eyes and a fucking foul mood. (He refuses to think that some of that might be related to the fact that two months ago he would have forced Finn to pull the all-nighter with him and they would have spent the night _not_ having totally gay male bonding time)

Rachel's been shooting nervous glances at him from across the bus, but he doesn't know what the hell her problem is. She sat 5 fucking rows away from him.... what does she think he's going to do? (She's kind of been a bitch all week after the whole butter in her yard thing. He helped her clean it up, didn't he? And he only put 2 or 3 of them down her shirt. In his mind, he deserves some sort of damn medal for that kind of restraint.)

Besides, even if he wants to mess with her today, he can't because _she so fucking far away_. (Puck doesn't know when -- but at some point Rachel Berry being where he can't touch her has started to piss him off.) To make matters worse, his head won't stop pounding and he is fucking _positive_ that Berry's probably got some magic pill in that ridiculous bag of hers that would make it all go away.

He returns her nervous glance with a glare. Rachel bites her bottom lip and quickly looks back out her window. She spends the rest of the ride taking turns staring at the scenery outside (lots of trees) or the scenery in the bus (mostly Finn).

Puck spends the rest of the ride pretending to stare at Quinn.

******

Awkward silence is how it started. This is how it continued.....

**********

As the show draws to an end, Rachel realizes that she should have seen it coming. Of _course_ her clandestine liaisons (i.e.. make-out lessons) have been occurring with the lead male soloist for Vocal Adrenaline. Bright side? She now knows his last name. Not so bright side? She's pretty sure he spotted her during the first encore. (Yes, they are having multiple encores. Even _Rachel_ thinks this is a little over the top for a high school performance.) And if the smile that lights up his face is any indication, he is under the severely mistaken impression that she is there to surprise him.

"Oh crap."

Puck wakes up when he hears Rachel whispering one of her _I want to say fuck right now but I'm too much of a lady_ words in the auditorium seat directly behind him. He's been zoned out for at least the last 5 songs. (Seriously -- who decided that two hours was an acceptable amount of time to force anyone to listen to a bunch of fucking geeks sing?) He's only mildly curious about Rachel's fake swearing until he hears her start to get up and whisper to her neighbor.

"Excuse me! I'm so sorry- could you just move your knee a little bit? Thanks. Sorry! Oh please do excuse me."

He has to turn around to watch her pathetic attempts at a polite exit to believe them. Rachel Berry just walked out of a performance. He's up and following her before his brain catches up with his body. He doesn't whisper.

"Gotta whiz, people. Move it or lose it."

He catches her in the lobby (who knew those hot legs of hers could move so fast?). "Berry. What is your deal?" Rachel whirls around and he can't help but snort when she actually puts her hand up to her chest in a startled gesture. Who is she today? Fucking Scarlet O'Hara?

"Noah! What are you doing out here? The performance wasn't over and it is really very rude to leave in the middle of a song like that. I really...."

"Berry"

"...think that you should try to go back in quietly and maybe take a lesson or two from Kurt, because..."

"Berry!" (He's trying to be patient. He really is.)

"....as rude as he can be sometimes, he has an excellent feel for being a polite audience member and you really...."

"_Rachel!_"

Her name coming out of _his _lips stops her short. She just stares at him, mouth hanging open mid-sentence. Puck can't help but grimace when he realizes why she's so shocked.

"Oh, don't be such a drama queen. It's your name."

Rachel's mouth snaps shut and she scowls at him. Puck smiles.

"Seriously, Berry. Take a fucking breath and tell me why you are freaking out."

He is taken off guard when she opens her mouth but nothing comes out. Rachel stands there looking indecisive and unsure of herself, and Puck is pretty sure that this is what flabbergasted feels like. He's about to grab her by the arm and haul her off somewhere to _make _her talk (or kiss her -- that's always an option too) when the auditorium doors burst open and people start pouring into the lobby. (Apparently the encore's encore has officially ended.)

Finn is one of the first people out the door -- and it is pretty clear that he's looking for Rachel. When he sees her standing with Puck, though, he changes course quickly and heads directly for the bus. Rachel's face falls a little, but she makes no move to follow him. (This makes him grin a little, and Puck wonders if he has now managed to turn into an even bigger asshole than he was 5 minutes ago).

Rachel's not sure what is making her feel more overwhelmed -- the small fact that she has been sexing up the competition or the rather big fact that Noah just followed her out of an auditorium to make sure she was ok. (Rachel really hopes that she has not been misusing the phrase _sexing up._ Mercedes swore that it doesn't always indicate intercourse.)

She's about to say something (though she's not remotely sure what), when Quinn slowly approaches them with a look on her face that makes it clear that Puck is about to get another "Are You Good Enough To Be The Daddy" tests. His face immediately shutters as he tries to hide the longing she can clearly see in his eyes. (This makes her heart hurt a little -- which is, of course, ridiculous.) She doesn't need to stay to watch this, and besides she needs to make her escape. (What was she thinking staying in this lobby _in plain sight_ for so long?)

"I'll just leave you two alone"

Noah (Puck?) makes no move to stop her, and she's halfway to the bus when she hears someone calling her name. At first, she is so sure it is Noah, that she turns to answer it with a smile. But then she sees someone else entirely, and she remembers why she was feeling so panicked 10 minutes ago. She can't let everyone see her talking to him. They already hate her enough as it is.

He runs up to her, still in his costume and clearly out of breath. Rachel tries not to smile at how cute his curly hair is, messy and sweaty from the show he just put on. She tries not to light up on the inside at how incredibly _happy _he looks to see her. And she tries to ignore the stares that she can feel coming from the Glee members that have already boarded the bus (thank god Noah is still in the lobby). But then he reaches over and grabs her hand.

"Rach! This is awesome! I can't believe you are here. You have to come meet my friends. They think I made you up."

He shoots her a sheepish grin as he tugs at her hand, pulling her back towards the building. Rachel tries to recover from her shock.

He's _really _happy to see her.

He's holding her hand.

_He's told his friends about her_.

Rachel glances back at the bus before looking at him (and all that shining acceptance on his face). And then she grins.

"Oh, what the fuck."

****

And that? That's how Rachel unexpectedly ended up as the girlfriend of some curly headed asshole.


	5. Chapter 5

****Thank you SO MUCH for all of the reviews, alerts, and favorite markings! I was really afraid people were going to lynch me after the last chapter. You guys are so, so supportive. It definitely makes me want to write that much faster. (I've turned into SUCH a feedback whore. It is rather sad.)**

Chapter Five

Having a boyfriend is different than Rachel thought it would be. Not worse, exactly. Just different.

As it turns out, Sam (the aforementioned boyfriend) knows she's from McKinley. Furthermore-- he knows her last name. Knows exactly who she is, in fact. Always did. (Apparently her performance at Sectionals was good for more than attracting the attention of jocks who want to torture her)

She hasn't had the heart to tell him she had no clue who he was until Carmel's Invitational.

Meeting his friends went well. They were.... well, _nice_. Rachel is the first to admit that her social radar can often be off, but they seemed genuinely interested when Sam bragged about her talent. And she could swear that several of his male friends glanced at her legs before shooting Sam impressed smirks. No one had rolled their eyes or interrupted (or walked off) when she was speaking. All in all, a promising beginning.

The reaction of her follow Glee Clubbers was not what she would have hoped, but certainly along the lines of what she expected. (Suspicious disbelief seems to be the overall mood.) Even Mr. Schuester (who can't officially object since the dating life of his students is exactly _none_ of his business) has been maintaining an unusually cautious air around her. Almost as if he's trying to prevent her from doing something dreadful -- though she's not entirely sure what. He knows far too much about her competitive nature to _ever_ believe she would do something to give away the slightest advantage at Regionals. Sam might be gifted with his mouth in more ways than one, but Rachel Berry has never lost sight of her goals for any _man_. (Mr. Schue looks distinctly uncomfortable when she tells him all of this word for word.)

Puck watches her get more and more defensive as the weeks go by. They don't talk much, but he can tell that Rachel seems to be waiting for some kind of group demand that she stop dating the asshole (and he could swear that sometimes she looks like she's _hoping_ for it).

If he actually cared, he would think about trying to help her out. Because as usual, Rachel Berry is fucking clueless about what the Glee club _really_ thinks about her new boyfriend. None of them (besides him and maybe Finn) really care who Rachel wants to mount in her spare time. That isn't the problem.

Puck would bet his last fucking dime (if he hadn't already given it to Quinn) that what they are actually afraid of is Rachel _leaving_. That she might just figure out that being a complete pariah (yes, he knows that word) isn't something that's just a given for someone like her. That maybe _Vocal Adrenaline_ is the mothership come to take their resident crazy-face home.

And maybe he'd clue her into some of this if he wasn't so preoccupied with the fact that he's currently naked from the waist up. In the girl's bathroom. Holding Rachel's sweater. (The one she was wearing until 5 minutes ago.)

******

This is how it starts....

Puck and Quinn board the McKinley bus in the middle of what seems to be some sort of official statement from Rachel. (Turns out Quinn interrupted them in the lobby because she'd wanted him to buy her something at the concession stand. The _baby_ was hungry.) He stomps onto the bus and shoves past the (currently silent) brunette midget standing at the front. He walks to the back of the bus, plops down in his seat and pointedly looks out the window. (This would be the perfect occasion for the "I don't give a fuck" sign that Puck has often thought would be helpful to carry in his jacket. When they talked about it freshman year, it was Finn- in an unusually insightful moment- who pointed out that taking the time to make a sign that says "I don't give a fuck" really suggests that you might just give too MUCH of a fuck.)

It takes Rachel a minute to recover from Noah and Quinn's sudden entrance. When he shoves past her and stomps to the back of the bus (somewhat like an angry 5 year old) she realizes that Quinn has upset him _again_. (This absolutely does _not_ make her heart sink.)

Taking a deep breath (and picturing Sam's face), Rachel continues with her speech. "....and so while I know that this might have the appearance of a conflict of interest, I would really like everyone to take a moment to consider..."

Puck tries to ignore her. He really does. But his stupid iPod is already dead, so he has nothing that will drown _that voice_ out. She's still talking, and his brain keeps translating her words without his permission.

"....I'm going to continue boning this asshole and I don't really give a fuck what any of you say......"

(His brain likes to just give him the gist of things sometimes....which is particularly helpful when dealing with Berry.)

She's showing no signs of winding down when Finn (of all people) finally puts everyone out of their misery. He looks at her gently and Puck can tell he's trying not to hurt her feelings (reason #1004 that Finn is a better person than he is...Puck would love nothing more than to hurt Berry's feelings right now).

"OK, Rach. We got it. You have a boyfriend and you aren't going to give him up. Does that about cover it?" (He is rubbing the side of his jaw as he says it, though, so Puck can tell that Finn is not as okay with this development as he's trying to pretend.)

Rachel is clearly startled at Finn's interruption and stops. A look of shy gratefulness steals across her face and she just nods and takes a seat. (And Puck tries not to vomit.)

*****

So that's how it started. This is how it continued (even if Puck wishes it would just fucking stop already)....

*******

Rachel having a boyfriend is _exactly_ how Puck thinks it will be.

First of all, it pisses him off for reasons he refuses to think about. And the fact that it pisses him off REALLY pisses him off. So he's been stuck in an endless cycle of being pissed off that no one around him really appreciates. (He pulls it together somewhat when his mother threatens to take his X-Box away.)

And then there's the fact that he's pretty damn sure that Quinn suspects something. (She accused him of being _snippy_ when buying her corn-dog at the Carmel snack bar. When he replied that it was impossible for a _badass_ to be fucking _snippy_, she had merely raised one eyebrow, looked back at the door that Rachel had exited and said _Whatever you say, Puckerman_.)

But he's not sure what Quinn thinks she knows because there's nothing _to_ know. Rachel Berry is once again pining after some dude who likes to sing. And Puck doesn't give a shit what Berry is doing because he's too busy trying to prove something to Quinn so she'll give him a chance (though he has started to realize that he has no idea just what it is she wants him to do, and maybe that's why he's been such a fucking failure since this whole thing started). Seems to him that nothing much has changed except the name of the dude that makes Rachel want to drop her panties (and it absolutely does not piss him off that his name was apparently _never_ on that list).

It isn't until three weeks later that the shit really hits the fan.

Rachel comes into rehearsal sopping wet, in a purple sweater that Puck is pretty sure was white at lunch. She walks across the room (shoes squeaking), puts her bag down and promptly takes her place in the line up. All without saying a word. Everyone's just kind of looking at each other like _what the fuck? _because Rachel's not talking and she clearly isn't covered in the usual slushee. She's just soaking wet (and purple).

Mercedes is the first to speak up (even Mr. Schue is standing in perplexed silence).

"Uhm, Rachel?"

She turns to meet Mercedes' stare as if she _doesn't already fucking know what everyone wants to ask_. (He hates to admit it, but shit like that makes Puck kind of proud of her.)

"Yes?"

Mercedes looks like she's trying not to laugh (and Puck sort of wants to kick her for it... but he's glad _someone's _asking cause he's sure as hell not going to). "Rachel. Uhm... what _happened _to you? Why are you _purple_?"

Rachel sniffs and pushes a soaked lock of hair behind her ear. "It's grape juice, which is unfortunate because it is sure to stain. I really wish he could have at least used apple juice, instead." When everyone just looks at her in confusion, she sighs and sings softly "_Ooh, life is juicy, juicy and you see, I gotta have my bite sir._..."

Almost everyone is still looking at her in utter bafflement, but Puck starts to see red. "That Douche Bag is still fucking with you?"

Mr. Schuester picks that moment to finally join the conversation. "Puck. Language."

Rachel has the urge to smile (for the first time all afternoon) when Noah rolls his eyes -- but the impulse quickly disappears when his furious gaze turns back towards her. He stalks towards her and she can't help but back up a few (slippery) steps.

"Why the fuck didn't you tell me that asshole hadn't stopped?"

Mr. Schue quickly steps between the two of them (while the rest of the Glee club watches the back and forth like sporting event they didn't know existed). "Puck! That is _enough_. I cannot allow you to talk like that on school grounds. You need to back off."

Rachel flinches as Noah shoots her another angry look (He's been glaring at her for weeks, but this is somehow different. Can anger be scary and heartwarming at the same time?). He mutters something under his breath before turning around and slamming out the door into the hallway.

"Rachel..."

Mr. Schue's voice comes out soft but she puts out a hand to stop him. Rachel closes her eyes for a few seconds to gather herself, and when she meets his gaze she's perfectly composed.

"I just need a change of clothes. Unfortunately, I haven't brought a secondary outfit to school in weeks." She glances at her gaping teammates. "I don't suppose anyone has anything I can borrow?"

She's not surprised when no offers are forthcoming, though to be fair, the slushee wars have been over for at least a month. If _Rachel Berry _isn't preparing for the worst, it is probably a safe bet that no one else is either.

"May I be excused to the lady's room, Mr. Schuester? Perhaps try to rinse out my sweater and dry my hair?"

He nods quickly and Rachel heads towards the door. (She can't help but notice that he always seem so relieved when she leaves the room)

Puck isn't surprised when Rachel exits the rehearsal room not long after him. He's waiting for her in front of the door to the girl's bathroom. She flinches (again) when she sees him, so he's confident that his look of angered baddassness is still clearly on his face. She walks towards the bathroom slowly.

"Seriously, Berry? Why the hell didn't you tell me that Douche hadn't stopped?"

Rachel shoots him a look of annoyance (though she's really feeling more confused than anything). "You mean your _buddy_, Steve?" She shrugs. "Was I supposed to tell you when he filled my locker with candy so you could get a good chuckle? Was I supposed shoot up a flare when he came and played marching band music on my lawn at 2am?"

Puck's eyebrows are nearly to his mohawk. "Berry. He came to your house at 2 fucking AM? This is serious. That's not a prank. That's stalking." (He should know)

Rachel tries to look unimpressed though his concern is doing funny things to her heart. "Actually, the police called it disturbing the peace."

His lips twitch. "You called the cops?"

She shoots him a look that says _duh _with maybe a little bit of _how stupid do you think I am?_ thrown in. Looking down at her sweater, Rachel sighs. "Now can you please move so that I can try to do something about my clothing?" And then without waiting for him to do anything, she shoves past him into the bathroom.

(That's the thing about Rachel. She never fucking _waits_.)

It isn't until she is out of sight that Puck realizes she didn't have anything in her hand. Without thinking, he follows her through the swinging door. She's already got three buttons undone and Puck is torn about how quickly to make his presence known. (How many buttons make up the dividing line between _curious_ and _creepy_?)

"Uhm..."

His voice startles them both. (Apparently his brain decided not to consult his dick on this one).

Immediately both of her hands fly to her chest (where, much to Puck's disappointment -- the famed Berry Boobs are _still _completely hidden) and she shrieks.

"Noah! What are you DOING?"

He crosses his arms and refuses to look like he's doing anything out of the ordinary. (And to be fair, he has been in this bathroom many a time with various Cheerios. The handicapped stall on the right is a personal favorite)

"You have no clothes, Berry. What are you going to wear?"

Rachel shrugs though she is still looking at him like he just might be some sort of pervert. (Which Puck finds hilarious because _of course_ he's a pervert...she hasn't figured that out yet?)

"I was just going to rinse it out and use the dryers." Her voice is impatient. "Why? Do you have a better idea?"

Puck sighs and looks down at his favorite Flaming Lips t-shirt.

*********

And that shit? That's how Puck finally got Rachel Berry to take off her top.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

Sam Baker has dated many girls over the years. (He hates to sound cocky, but getting female attention has never been a problem for him.) He knows the best time to bring flowers, the right things to say to parents, and he's _never _had any complaints about his uhm.... _abilities_.

But dating Rachel Berry? She is something else entirely. Sam never knows how Rachel is going to react to _anything_. She's the biggest drama queen he's ever met (and he's been in _Vocal Adrenaline _for FOUR years). She's loud and kind of crazy, and he never (ever) knows what is going to happen next. When he's with her, he usually feels like he's in a foreign land where he doesn't speak the language and definitely doesn't own a map.

Honestly? It is kind of awesome.

(Really, Sam would rather say that dating Rachel is _fucking _awesome_, _but he's been trying to cut back on his use of profanity. Rachel has made a point of saying how unattractive she find it on multiple occasions .... which is kind of weird because there was this one time when she did something particularly spectacular with her tongue and he accidentally said _Oh Fuck, Rach -- _and he's pretty sure it made her even hotter for him than usual. Sam's still not sure what that was about.)

Of all the things about dating Rachel, though, Sam thinks that hearing her sing might just be at the top of the list. (Well, no, it really isn't....._of course_ making out it the _real_ best thing about dating Rachel, but he's found that she likes it best when he tells people that his favorite thing is her voice ... and since that's number two on his list, he doesn't see the harm in making the adjustment so he can get more of his _real_ number one.)

He'd been scouting other Ohio Glee Clubs on the Internet when he stumbled onto her rendition of _Don't Rain On My Parade_ on You Tube. To say that he was immediately intrigued would be an understatement. He wasn't too impressed with the rest of the group, but Rachel was clearly a diamond in the rough. When she'd walked into the _Group Vocal Dynamics! _class, he'd known immediately that fate was smiling down on him.

And now? Rachel Berry is _his._

But she's been having trouble with some guy at school lately, and it's really starting to worry him. Rachel's only a sophomore but she's the _star _of their high school Glee Club. How is some senior jerk getting away with bullying her? (And what kind of _weird_ hierarchy do they have at her school when a member of the show choir gets picked on?)

After Rachel tells him about having to call the police, Sam decides he wants to see for himself what is going on, so he drives to Lima to see her (There will be no ruining of his perfect attendance record, by the way. Carmel is having a teacher in-service day. Really, the timing is kind of perfect). Sam tells Rachel that he is going to get there around dinner time, but really he plans on surprising her at rehearsal to try to get a look at the idiot who thinks he can mess with a member of the Glee Club.

When he gets to the school, though, the first thing Sam really gets a good look at is his girlfriend sitting on the lap of some half naked guy.

He's not sure that was worth the drive.

*******

This is how it starts...

To say that everyone is flabbergasted when she walks in with a topless Puck and wearing a _Flaming Lips_ t-shirt that nearly covers up her plaid skirt would be an understatement. (She really thinks that Kurt may injure himself at some point since he can't seem to decide what he wants to do more -- admire naked Noah or share _We are SO talking about this later_ looks with Mercedes.) All she can really bring herself to do is stand at the door and twist the hem of his shirt nervously. (Rachel tries to tell herself to just take charge, but for some reason she can't channel her inner diva at the moment).

Puck sees her nervous hesitation and doesn't get what her problem is. _She's_ not the half naked one here. He shoves past her (gently) and puts his arms out.

"Yeah, that's right, ladies. The Gun Show has arrived." He smirks, "Please hold your applause until the end."

He rolls his eyes when no one says anything. Finn and Quinn (sitting on opposite sides of the room) are both frowning--though Quinn looks merely displeased whereas Finn actually looks fairly pissed off. Kurt, Mercedes and Tina are openly gaping. Artie's examining Rachel with a look that could only be called _intrigued_. Santana looks bored (as usual). But Matt and Mike? They're looking at Rachel with grins and nudging each other.

Puck frowns and looks from his friends back to Rachel and suddenly realizes what has caught their attention. _Dammit. _His shirt is so huge on her that it pretty much covers up her (ridiculously short) skirt. Puck can't fucking believe he didn't notice that Rachel Berry is standing in the doorway of the music room looking like she's wearing his t-shirt and not much else. (And actually, it would be handy to have that t-shirt back right about now since his pants just got _a lot_ more uncomfortable and he's shit out of anything else to use as coverage.) He glares at his friends (the fuckheads) while he walks as quickly as possible (given his _issue_) to the nearest chair.

(Matt and Mike are now smirking and he suspects they understand his problem just a _little_ too well).

Rachel follows Noah's lead and quickly walks over to sit in the chair next to him. When none of her classmates makes any move to _stop_ staring or say anything, she lifts her chin and address their (still gaping) teacher.

"Noah and I apologize for the interruptions, Mr. Schuester." (At this Noah raises both eyebrows and gives her a look that says _Speak for yourself_) "We have very little time to waste before Regionals, and it is unforgivable of us to have taken time away from the group. Please continue on with whatever you were teaching the group in our absence."

Mr. Schuester clears his throat. "Hm. Right. Of course. Rachel is correct." He scans the room and sees that _no one_ (except Rachel) is looking at him. "Right. Why don't we try something familiar today. How about _Somebody to Love_ to start out and then we'll hit a few more favorites."

Once he gets them up out of their chairs and into the choreography, things return to a (somewhat) normal level.

Everything seems to be going well as the rehearsal progresses except for one thing. Rachel is having trouble focusing. She's trying to sing the chorus to _Don't Stop Believing_ with Finn, but all she can really think about is how incredibly good Noah's shirt smells. Like, _ridiculously _good. (She wonders if anyone has noticed that she keeps smelling herself in between songs. Hopefully not. That's weird even for _her_.) Frankly, she is more than a little surprised at how good the shirt smells because traditionally, teenage boys are not known for their stellar bathing habits. And while she has never known Noah to have issues with body odor -- she doesn't remember him smelling quite so _lovely_, either.

Finn shoots her a funny look when she misses (another) spin from him because she was feeling the hem of her (Noah's) shirt.

Puck is having trouble focusing as well -- but nobody gives a shit because he's just in the back row slapping his thigh and doing lots of "Dah Dah Dahs" (He suspects he could start flicking his nipple ring to the beat and no one would notice at this point). Puck starts off by watching Berry's tan legs peep out from under his shirt (that is one fucking piece of clothing that is _seriously_ never getting washed again) but pretty soon he notices something weird.

Rachel is sniffing herself. Like, _a lot_.

At first he's not sure if she's just freaking about B.O. or what. Then he starts to wonder if she's still smelling grape juice on herself. But Rachel keeps getting this weird little smile and then she actually loses her place in the music a time or two (which means some damn pigs must be flying around Lima right now). And that's when Noah Puckerman's day gets good. Like, really _fucking _good_. _Because Rachel Berry? Is totally getting off on smelling _essence of Puck _on his shirt.

He is _so_ the fucking man.

_*****_

Believe it or not, _sniffing_ really is how it began. This is how it continued....

********

Mr. Schuester brings practice to an early end. He manages to get the group through three songs, but he doesn't want to push his luck. (Besides, he kind of wants to get home early.... he does have a date with Emma tonight, after all). When he lets them go with forty-five minutes of practice left, Rachel shoots him a displeased look but doesn't say anything.

Puck is just about to ask Rachel if she needs a ride home when Finn walks over, once again looking pissed off. He gets right to the point.

"What exactly is going on with you two?"

Rachel looks rather shocked at his accusatory tone. (Puck's not surprised but he _does_ find it annoying. This is the first time Finn's talked to him in over a _month_ and all he can do is ask about_ Berry_? Figures.) She frowns at both of them.

"Finn, I'm not sure what you are talking about. _Absolutely nothing_ is going on with me and Noah." (Puck's level of annoyance just increased but he keeps his mouth shut.) Rachel's hands go to her hips. "Just what kind of sordid implication are you making?"

Finn looks back and forth between them. "I don't know what _sordid implication _means, Rach. But if it means that _something_ weird is going on -- then well, yeah. I guess that is what I'm saying." He shoves his hands in the pockets of his jacket. "I thought you had this new boyfriend you were all in love with. What happened to HIM?" Rachel starts to look upset and gnaw on her bottom lip. Finn's face softens, and he gently takes her shoulder to pull her slightly away from Puck. "More importantly, since when does _Puck_ know about guys that are bothering you, Rach? Why did you tell _him_ and not me?"

Rachel looks at Finn but has no idea what to say. He's been off in his own land of betrayed pain for weeks and weeks. She doesn't blame him for that, but how on earth can she explain that everything changed while he wasn't looking? Particularly when she doesn't understand it herself. She and Puck keep saying they aren't friends.....yet they also can't seem to leave each other alone.

Watching Finn act like a jealous 12 year old would normally be entertaining for Puck, but not like this. Finn has been one of the few sure things in his life for a really long time, and then he'd lost him because of Quinn _fucking _Fabray (or should he say because he _fucked _Quinn Fabray?). And now things are getting even worse because of Rachel Berry? _Shit_.

Puck runs a hand over his mow-hawk. "Look, man. Don't read too much into this. I'm just helping Crazy out. It doesn't _mean_ anything."

Rachel darts a look his way and _shit ... _he knows in about two-seconds flat he hurt her feelings. (He refuses to wonder when he became such an expert at reading her face.)

Finn's face turns red. "Yeah, just like you _banging_ my girlfriend didn't mean anything? Just like making me the father of_ your_ little bastard didn't MEAN anything?"

Puck's hands ball up into fists and he wishes like shit he had on a shirt because he feels more than a little exposed right now and really doesn't fucking _like _it. Clearly not digging the tension in the room, Rachel lays a (ridiculously cold) hand on his arm while she addresses Finn.

"Look, I know you're still angry, Finn. You have every right to be. But don't make this about something it's not. Noah was just _helping_ me. Just like you would help me."

(Puck sighs. That? Was the wrong thing to say.)

Flinching as Finn's face gets redder (which she didn't really know was possible), Rachel quickly takes her hand off of Puck's arm.

"Puck is _nothing_ like me, Rach. How can you compare our friendship to what you have with this asshole? He fucks anything that moves! He tossed drinks on you for _years_. He only joined the Glee club to get _sex _with old chicks." Finn sniffs (and Puck _prays _that he's not going to fucking cry) "He was my _best friend_ and look what he did to me. I can't trust him, Rach, and I sure as hell can't trust him with _you_."

Puck's knuckles start to pop in his clenched fists, but it isn't because he wants to hit Finn. The dude already hates him and now this stupid _thing_ (that isn't even really a _thing_) with Rachel Berry is making it worse. _Fuck_. He slides his hands into his jean pockets (and _not _because his hands might be shaking like some lame ass).

"Alright fine. I admit it." He has to work at it for a second, but he finds his smirk. "I'm helping Berry out because I want in her pants. I didn't think it was a big fucking deal, but I guess I was out of line. If you want me to back off, I'll back off, man. She's doesn't mean shit to me one way or the other."

The next thing Puck knows, he's face down on the floor, staring at the legs of the piano. (Apparently he guessed wrong and that _wasn't_ what Finn wanted to hear.) He sits up gently and rubs his bleeding temple.

"_Fuck_ man. Guess you really did learn how not to hit like a girl."

Finn shoots him a look of disgust before grabbing his backpack and leaving with a muttered goodbye to Rachel. Puck sits on the floor and waits for Rachel to follow him. She walks over to her bag, but instead of picking it up for the inevitable storm out, she opens it and starts digging around. Eventually she pulls out a small, white box. Turning back to him, she rolls her eyes.

"Are you going to sit there and pout all day or are you going to get up?"

Rachel sighs when Noah just sits and stares at her in confusion. She decides to speak his language. Walking over to him, she plants a firm kick on his ass. "Get up, you pansy."

He quickly stands up and shoots her a glare, but she just points him towards a chair.

"Sit." (To be honest, Rachel's kind of amazed when he obeys.)

Puck is so confused that she's still in the room, he doesn't think to argue with her. He watches her walk over towards his chair and gently part his knees so she can stand between them (and he tries very _very _hard to not think about Rachel and blowjobs). When she lays down the white box on his knee, he finally notices that it is a small first aid kit. (He knew she could have helped him out with that hangover! He _knew _it.)

As she starts to dab ointment on the cut over his eyebrow, Rachel frowns.

"You really are kind of an idiot, you know that?"

Puck is just so relieved that she's there, that's she touching him, and that she's talking to him in that soft voice he only gets to hear when they're alone -- he can't do anything but grin at her. She shakes her head and picks up the box to dig for a bandage. Puck sees this as an opening and gently puts a hand on her hip to nudge her down until she's perched on his thigh (And just like the last time, he can't help but think about how fucking _tiny_ she really is. How is something this small such a force of nature?)

Rachel doesn't smile, but she gives him a stern look (which is almost as good) as she reaches up to finish putting the bandage on his eyebrow. She doesn't even pretend like she's thinking about getting up.

******

And that? That's how Sam found out Rachel Berry wasn't quite as much _his_ as he thought.


	7. Chapter 7

**Wow. So sorry for the delay on this one. This chapter seriously kicked my butt-- still not sure why. Hope you all enjoy!**

**Thanks again for all of the reviews and encouraging messages. This fandom is the best!**

Chapter Seven

Being a part of something special _makes you special_. Rachel believes that with all of her heart and soul. If she chooses to gift an activity with her participation, she's going to do whatever it may be better than anyone before her has ever done it (or die trying). There are no half hearted efforts from Rachel Berry. Not giving her all to something she believes in is just not in her (preselected) DNA.

There's a flip side to all that devotion, though. She doesn't like to talk about it, but if you ever threaten Rachel's something special, she will _end you_. Slowly.

(Please don't misunderstand. She's not _ashamed_ of this side of her personality. Everyone knows that you have to be cutthroat when it comes to something as important as FAME. Rachel just doesn't talk about it much because people don't always expect anything ruthless out of someone so young or so small. And frankly? Career ending chaos is much easier to create when no one suspects you. Just ask Sandy Rierson.)

Her Glee teammates have seen glimpses of this side of her, but she knows they don't fully understand the lengths to which she would go to protect _New Directions_ (particularly now that the team has won Sectionals and placing at Regionals is looking more and more likely). If they think she is crazy because of the things they _know_ about, Rachel can't quite imagine what they would think about the eighty percent she keeps to herself. (She's recently programmed her iPhone to remind her every morning that determination is _nothing_ to apologize for)

What is ultimately comes down to is this: Rachel wants to be someone of great importance in this world. She wants to be _special_, and if she is going to accomplish something before she is old and gray, there is just no room for compromise or doubters in her world.

And that's exactly what she tells Sam when she breaks up with him.

******

This is how it starts....

She's wearing someone else's shirt, perched on the knee of a half naked man, holding a bloody bandage in her right hand while looking at her gaping (semi-long distance) boyfriend who is standing in the doorway of the rehearsal room.

Rachel Berry has never really been in a situation quite like this before. (Frankly...who has?)

Sam is showing no real reaction apart from confusion, so she's not quite sure the best way to handle this situation. He's not really the fighting _type_ so physical violence doesn't seem particularly likely. But still, surely there's a proper thing to say in a situation like this. Something that will explain just how _innocent_ this all is (she ignores the snort of disbelief from the little voice inside her head). Feeling Noah's hand grip at her waist a little more tightly, she realizes that the best first step would probably be to get _off_ the lap of the boy she is not dating.

Puck frowns as she finally hops off of his lap and approaches the curly headed asshole hovering around the doorway like a moron. (Though don't think he didn't notice it took her about forty-five seconds _after _spotting the idiot to get her fine little ass off of his knee).

"Sam! Uh ... wow. Gosh. What a surprise! What are you doing here?" Her eyes flit from Sam to Noah and then back to Sam again.

Her voice sounds breathless and Puck tries not to roll his eyes. "Shit, Berry. Could you have maybe come up with something to say that _doesn't_ make it sound like you're in some ridiculous Sandra Dee movie?" Rachel's eyes fly to his and narrow slightly. S_hit. _He can see the exact moment when she realizes that he knows who Sandra Fucking Dee is.

(First Pollyanna and now _this_?)

Sam reaches up to grab her hand. "Uhm, Rach? What exactly is going on, here? Who is this guy and where are his clothes?" He registers what she's wearing for the first time. "And what are you _wearing_?" His eyebrows shoot up. "Is there anything _underneath_ that?"

When he gets to his last question, Rachel flushes bright red but recovers quickly. Puck can't help but admire her balls when she manages a fairly scary glare despite the fact that she's still blushing.

"_Of course _there is something under this shirt!" Her hands go to her hips. "NOT that it is any of your business. We may be dating, but my wardrobe decisions are my own." (Rachel doesn't add that she learned _that_ the hard way.)

Sam hasn't really noticed Rachel's frown because he's still staring at the legs peaking out of Puck's shirt.

Puck stands up. "Hey, dumbass. Why don't you look at her face when she's talking to you?" Rachel gives him a look that clearly says _Pot Meet Kettle _but he just shoots her a wink.

Looking away from Rachel, Sam takes another look at the shirtless guy. He starts to get a little less confused and a lot more annoyed.

"Just who the hell are you, anyway?"

*******

And that's how the beginning of the end started. This is how it continued....

******

Puck's not sure if anything has ever been as fun as pissing off Rachel's boyfriend is proving to be. He starts slow with a simple refusal to tell the poor schlub who he is -- instead shooting him a little smirk and sliding his hands into his pockets -- being sure to flex his guns to their greatest advantage. (Rachel explains that Noah Puckerman is a fellow member of _New Directions_)

Next, he raises the stakes by snickering (loudly) when Berry tells the asshole she's happy to see him. (Rachel explains that Noah has a problem with nonsensical outbusts, sometimes)

But the best part seems to be Puck's response when Rachel asks him when he's leaving _Hard to leave with you wearing my clothes, babe_ doesn't seem to be the response Sam wants to hear. (Rachel explains that Noah..... well, she seems to have a hard time explaining that one.)

It isn't until Sam asks Rachel if "this punk is the guy that you had arrested" that Puck starts to get a little annoyed himself.

"Dude. Berry. You told this fucking pansy and you didn't tell me?"

Sam frowns at him. "Please don't use language like that in front of Rachel. She doesn't like it."

Puck snorts. "So the fuck what? Giving Berry everything she wants is like shitting in the wind."

Sam and Rachel's voice come out in unison. "What does that even MEAN?" (And Puck has to wonder if Rachel Berry finally found a way to date herself.)

Rachel's glaring at him, but Puck would bet his last Trojan that she's trying not to smile. "No, Sam. Noah is not the gentlemen that's been causing problems." She grimaces. "Well, at least not the ones YOU'RE talking about."

And that's the point when Sam decides he's had it. For every word these two exchange, it is becoming clear that there are about 10 more going unsaid. He doesn't know what is going on and it is getting _really_ old. (All he was trying to do was surprise his girlfriend. Is that so wrong?) His voice is more than a little impatient when he finally speaks.

"Rachel, I really don't know what is going on here. All I wanted was to surprise you after your little glee club rehearsal -- and instead I find you sitting on the lap of some half naked guy wearing his clothes!"

Puck instinctively takes a step back when he sees Rachel's face.

"Excuse me? Did you just say _LITTLE GLEE CLUB_?"

(He almost pities the look of confusion on Sam's face. Almost.)

Sam frowns. "Seriously?" (She cocks an eyebrow but says nothing) "Oh good lord, Rachel. Yes I said _Little Glee Club_. You have 12 members. What am I supposed to call it?"

(Puck takes another step back and sits down to enjoy the show)

Rachel can feel her face heating up and tries to stay calm. She knows she should feel bad about the situation Sam walked in on, but all she can seem to process right now is the condescending tone he's using to talk about _New Directions. _"Oh, and I suppose because _Vocal Adrenaline_ has more bodies to throw around, that somehow makes you more talented than us?"

Sam rolls his eyes and his response comes pouring out before he can think twice about it. "No, the fact that we have twice as many truly talented singers than you make us more talented." Rachel's face gets ever redder and Sam lays a hand on her arm. (Puck thinks if Sam knew anything, he'd be giving Berry some space right now. A silent Berry is a dangerous Berry.) "Rachel, I'm sorry. I don't mean to insult your team. You are an incredibly gifted singer. I've never seen better at any high school competition. But seriously -- you must know that your team is nowhere near your caliber. I'm not trying to tear them down. Obviously they all do the best they can considering their limitations."

Puck is working really hard at staying quiet. He'd really hate to interrupt when Sam is on such a roll, but Berry is positively vibrating and it is kind of fucking HOT.

"Limitations?" Rachel's voice is soft and deadly, "LIMITATIONS? We'll just show you how LIMITED we are when we kick your ass at Regionals."

Sam frowns. When he speaks, his voice is soft (as if about to impart some bad news to a five year old) "Regionals, Rach? You can't seriously think you'll make it into the finals with us. You guys will just be cannon fodder." He shoots an incredulous look from Puck back to Rachel. "Everyone knows that. You guys don't seriously think you'll _win_ do you?"

*******

And that shit? That's how Rachel ended up single just in time for Regionals.


	8. Chapter 8

**So, so sorry for the delay on this one! I have been out of town. I hurried to get this chapter up, so please forgive any typos (and let me know if you spot them!).**

**Regionals has begun! Let me know what you think!!**

Chapter Eight

Regionals is nothing like Sectionals.

To start with, Mr. Schuester and his lesbian hair are with them the whole time. He gets them singing on the bus as a warm up. He tells them stories about his glory days at Nationals. And most importantly, he keeps the fact that Rachel is clearly out for blood (mostly) hidden from the other choir directors.

Miss Pillsbury is also there, but as far Puck can tell, her only plans for the day include painfully inept flirting with her new boyfriend and generally acting enthusiastic about _children working together to achieve a goal_ (or some shit like that). He hopes that the pleasantly dazed look in her eyes means she's finally getting some, but who the fuck knows? (Mr. Schue is pretty old after all. He probably can't get the deed done more than once or twice _a day_. The thought makes Puck shudder.)

And then, of course, this time Finn's with them too. Puck knows this is a good thing for _New Directions_ even if Finn is still acting like a complete pansy about the whole Rachel thing. (When it ceased being about the _Quinn thing, _who the hell knows. They have so many damn _chick things_ going on between them, Puck shouldn't wonder why they still aren't friends again...but he kind of does anyway.)

The biggest difference between Regionals and Sectionals, though, is what happens between Rounds One and Two.

At Sectionals, they spent their time generally freaking out and trying to keep Artie from bashing his head into the wall since those fucking (yet hot) Juvie girls stole their thunder.

At Regionals, though, Puck spends his time trying to find a way to lure Rachel Berry into the Thoughts and Meditations Room (you gotta fucking love these New Age private schools). The room is dark. It has a door that locks. And it has a _fucking couch_.

Puck wants to get Rachel into that room as much as he's wanted anything in quite some time, but he's as surprised as anyone when he actually resorts to singing some shit from _Mary Poppins_ to get it done.

*********

This is how it starts

Rachel doesn't get nervous. Nerves are something that overtake you when you are unsure of yourself and your talent. People only worry when they don't know what's going to happen. But Rachel knows what is going to happen. She's been visualizing the scene while on her elliptical for months now.

_New Directions_ is going to win.

Today marks the single most important performance of her career (so far, at least). There is no time for Rachel to be nervous. Of course, even the best performers get butterflies before their big shows. That's only to be expected. And she's almost positive that she once read an interview with Bette Midler where she confessed to the occasional battle with stage fright. So really, it would be weird if Rachel _didn't_ have a certain small amount of anxiety about the show today. But it isn't anxiety. Not really. She's just _extraordinarily invested in the outcome_. There is nothing wrong with that. It shows an admirable amount of loyalty, actually. She wants the team to do well.

So really, if you think about it, Rachel's just having a case of the nerves on behalf of her teammates. She's not nervous for _herself -- _she's nervous for her school_ -- _which is a completely noble thing to be. So really, the only thing that would be truly bad is if Rachel had no nerves at all. That would mean there was something completely wrong with the motivation behind her upcoming performance. And motivation is _always_ a key part of any truly great performance.

(Once Rachel starts to talk fast enough to make Puck's eye twitch, he realizes that he is going to have to interrupt.)

"Fuck, Berry. Chillax. You're going to give me a heart attack from the sound of your voice alone."

Rachel frowns at him. "I am a seasoned performer, Noah. I don't need to _chillax_. I am already perfectly chillaxed. In fact, I am currently at the optimum chillax level!"

"Yes, you are clearly _not_ going bat shit crazy even though we just pulled up less than 15 minutes ago." Puck rolls his eyes and looks around them, "So did you really pull me over here just to tell me how _not _nervous you are? Because the rest of the team is kind of staring."

Rachel darts a glance across the lobby where Mr. Schuester is filling out the necessary paperwork at Registration. The other members of _New Directions _are openly watching Rachel and Puck as they converse by the snack bar. Some look amused (Artie, Tina and Mike). Some look annoyed (Santana and Quinn). Some look dismayed yet intrigued (Mercedes, Kurt and Matt). Some look confused (Brittany). And Finn? He just looks kind of pissed (again).

Rachel's breathing starts to pick back up, and Puck swears he's going to have to find her a paper bag soon. He nudges her on the arm to bring her attention back to him.

"Look, I get it. You needed a little hit from the Puckerone to get you going. No need to be ashamed. How long could you really be expected to go without a piece of this?" He gives her a wink. "So ... where should we do this, then? I find most handicap stalls to be consistently sturdy throughout the great state of Ohio. And you know what they say, Once You Have A Piece of Puck, You're Always Ready For a Quick ... "

"Stop!" Rachel puts a quick hand over his mouth as she tries to look stern. (For the record? He can totally see her grin trying not to peek through). "Don't be disgusting, Noah. I pulled you over here to talk about Finn.... I just got a little sidetracked." (Or a lot. She didn't expect to be _this_ nervous)

Puck rolls his eyes as he pushes her hand away from his mouth. "Damn it, Berry. It's too early in the morning to talk about that shit."

He doesn't walk away, though. (When Puck realizes he's willing to humor Berry and talk about Finn as a means of distracting her from her performance related panic attack, he's tempted to do a quick check and make sure his boys are still in his briefs where he left them this morning.)

She crosses her arms and looks him in the eye, "Look, Noah. We haven't had a chance to talk about everything that happened that day Sam came to the school -- probably because you have been avoiding me like the plague." She pauses, but he just stares at her and doesn't deny it. Rachel sighs and continues, "Finn's currently not speaking to either one of us, which doesn't bode well for our group because he is clearly our most talented male singer and my fellow lead. The judges will see the strife that is underlying our performance and it will affect our scores! You have to fix this."

Puck's eyebrows nearly hit his hairline. "Me? You have got to be fucking kidding me, Berry. How am I supposed to fix this? Hell, I'm not even completely positive who or what is up his ass _this_ week. Maybe YOU need to fix it. Ever think of _that_?"

Rachel's eyes narrow. "Yes, I've thought of that you cretin. But I've tried to discuss the situation with Finn and he just keeps telling Brittany to tell me that he doesn't talk to _Puck lovers_. Whatever that means."

Puck tries to hide his sigh. Shit, Finn. Seriously? _All _women eventually become Puck lovers. Finn _knows_ this. (In fact, it was an integral part of the plan for world domination they'd come up with in 8th grade.)

Puck settles on shrugging at Rachel and cocking an eyebrow. "So, I'm guessing that you standing over here talking to me by the corn dogs isn't really helping your case then is it, Crazy?"

Rachel steps forward, grabs both sides of his jacket and pulls him down so he's eye to eye with her (and yeah.....Puck is getting a little turned on -- never let it be said he doesn't like a strong woman). "Look, you overgrown manchild. THIS IS REGIONALS. I am not screwing around, here. We are going to win. We are going to take down _Vocal Adrenaline _and then I am going to shove our trophy down my ex boyfriend's throat. You have been moping around for months now. Enough. Suck it up and fix things with your best friend. NOW."

She releases him and starts to walk back towards the group. Puck is still adjusting his pants and trying not to grin (he's not sure why that was so hot....it just _was_) when she turns back around.

"Oh, and don't think we aren't talking about you avoiding me. That's next."

_Shit_. Puck was really hoping she wasn't going to ask about that.

******

So that's how Regionals started. This is how they continued.....

*******

The teams ends up having an hour before Round One. _New Directions_ isn't up to the plate until late in Round Two, but Mr. Schuester wants them to be a _respectful audience_ (whatever the fuck that means) so they are supposed to show up nice and prompt to watch their lame ass competition.

Rachel's still giving him the stink eye, so Puck figures she's serious about this whole _talking to Finn_ thing. Normally he'd tell her to go screw herself, but the problem is that Puck would really rather screw Rachel himself. And he knows that's never going to happen if Rachel thinks he is messing with _New Directions_'s path to victory.

Fuck.

It takes him about 10 minutes to develop a plan and another 5 for Finn to finally give into his inevitably small bladder. (Finn has never, ever made it through a single Bruce Lee movie without at _least_ two bathroom breaks.) Puck gives him a couple of minutes to get his business out of the way before slamming into the bathroom.

Finn looks up from the sink, startled, and Puck tries not to laugh. (Finn _always _washes his hands like some girl....something to do with his mother and infections that kill small children in Indonesia who don't have clean hands)

"Hey, dude. What's up?" Puck tries to sound casual.

Finn scowls and finishes drying his hands but doesn't say anything.

Rolling his eyes, Puck slides his hands into his letterman jacket pockets. "Come on, man. Berry is going to castrate both of us if we don't pretend to get this worked out."

Finn leans back against the sink. "Really? That's the best you got? You fuck me over completely, you ruin my life, and that's the best you got?"

Puck secretly thinks that Finn is being a total drama queen with this whole "you ruined my life" bit, but he doesn't think now is the time to mention that.

"Uh....maybe?" Puck runs a hand over his mohawk looks at the floor. "Shit, man. What do you want me to say? Some stupid shit like _I'm sorry_?"

Finn cocks an eyebrow at him. "Well, a normal person would have said that a long time ago. But you know what? I think I'd settle for you staying away from Rachel. Dragging Quinn down to your level was bad enough, dude. But Rachel?"

Puck lets out a laugh. "Dragging Quinn down? Are you fucking kidding me?"

"Forget it" Finn starts to walk out.

"OK, OK," Puck moves to stand between Finn and the door. "Look. I'm not trashing Quinn. I had feelings for her, man. And all of a sudden she wanted me. ME. Who the hell is going to turn down an opportunity like _that_?"

Finn just stares at him and Puck suddenly doesn't really want to meet his eyes. Crossing his arms across his chest, Puck studies the tile floor instead. "Damn it. Fine. I'm sorry, OK? You're my best friend and I should have just left that tail on the shelf." He sighs. "I mean, I'm gonna be there for my kid if she'll let me, but that's it, man. I'm done with the rest of it."

Finn frowns. "Yeah, because of Rachel."

"Huh?" (Puck's trying really hard to look clueless, but he's not sure Finn's buying it)

"You've got a thing for Rachel."

"I don't know what the hell you are talking about, dude." Puck walks over to the sink and starts washing his hands. (And it isn't some lame way to avoid looking at Finn. It's just that he's pretty sure he didn't do it when he pissed right after he got up this morning. Safety first and all that shit....)

"Fine. Then you won't have a problem staying away from her."

Puck turns away from the sink and looks at Finn. "What the fuck, dude? Why do you care _what_ I do with Berry? You had your chance with her and you did shit about it. She chased you like some pathetic little puppy, you got your rocks off on it, and then went back to Quinn every damn time. So what's the deal? You don't want her but no one else can have her?"

Finn raises an eyebrow "Are you admitting you want her?"

Puck seems to get distracted by looking at the handicap stall but doesn't say anything.

Rolling his eyes, Finn continues, "Look, you've always been an asshole, but I liked you anyway. But now? Now you've gone too damn far, man. There's no going back. And on top of everything else, I'm not about to trust someone sweet and trusting like Rachel to some asshole who only wants to see what's up her skirt."

Puck lets out a laugh. "Seriously? You think Berry is _sweet and trusting_? That chick is batshit crazy ninety percent of the time. She would cut both of our dicks off for a Tony."

Finn finally lets out a crooked smile. "You know what a Tony is? Shit man, you _do _have it bad."

(If Puck were a chick he'd say that he wants to grin when he sees that sort of smile out of Finn. It's the first in _months_. But thankfully, that's a non-issue since Puck isn't a total pansy)

"Whatever man. Are we cool?" Puck doesn't offer him a hand like he did last time. He's not going to get left hanging twice.

Finn looks at Puck for a minute before responding. Finally, he shrugs. "Not really, but I can look at you without wanting to punch you, so I guess that's progress. That'll have to be enough for Rachel, for now."

Letting out a little sigh, Puck nods. "Cool."

Finn gives him a slightly evil grin. "Oh, and just so you know. Now that Rachel's single, she's fair game."

Puck can only glare at Finn's back as he saunters out the exit.

Well, fuck.

By the time he gets back out to the lobby, he sees Finn doing the _lost little lamb_ routine with Rachel. From what Puck can see, she's eating it up with a spoon. (Hell, it is the first time Finn has talked to her in weeks. Why wouldn't she be glowing?)

Puck's still formulating a plan to insert himself into the conversation when Rachel surprises him by breaking off her conversation with Finn and walking over to him. (He can't help but think that was _way_ too fucking easy. He's right.)

"Thank you, Noah. Finn told me that you guys talked and I am so happy to hear that. It really means a lot to me that you would put the good of our group above your pride."

Rachel's now glowing at _him. _Puck is so surprised that all he can really do is nod at her. He glances over expecting to see an annoyed look on Finn's face but gets worried when he instead finds Finn smirking at the two of them.

"And I can't believe you didn't tell me that you have signed up to do some of the social service projects that the Ohio Glee Club Association is offering. Is that what you've been so busy with these last few weeks? Finn says that when you told him you were doing community work like that, that's when he really knew you were committed to turning over a new leaf! And I really think that...."

Puck knows he's gaping like a fish out of water. Social Service Projects? Ohio Glee Club Association? _What the fuck_? He sees Finn turn around so Rachel won't see him laughing out of the corner of his eye. Berry's still going full steam ahead and Puck has no idea what kind of shit she is talking about.

"....and you know, there have been studies that have shown that music can help reduce the signs of dementia in older patients, so the fact that you would give your time to go to a nursing home will reflect very well on your high school transcripts. And the fact that you are open to singing songs from movies that they will remember, like those great Disney tunes from the sixties....."

Finn has quit trying to hide his laughter and is openly crying at this point. And Puck knows what the dude is expecting. Finn's known him for long enough to know exactly what Puck is going to do.

Puck's going to tell Rachel that he doesn't know what the fuckety fuck she is talking about. That old people seriously gross him out and it will be a cold day in HELL before he does anything with any sort of fucking Glee Club Association.

That's why Puck is as surprised as anyone when what he really says is, "Yeah. So here's the thing, Berry. I may need your help learning some of those lame ass Disney songs."

*****

And that shit? That's how Noah Puckerman became the first man to attempt to use _A Spoonful of Sugar_ as a seduction technique.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter Nine**

There are many things that Principal Vega is proud of in his school. Their student body has shown excellent progress towards inner growth this year, including educational advancement (though of course they would never do something as judgmental and prosaic as using _test scores_ to determine such a thing.) Furthermore, he's very pleased that the Sivananda Yoga class and the Hatha Yoga class seem to have ended their three year long (but very calm) feud over the use of the gymnasium after school.

Vega feels, however, that his own crowning achievement for The Academy this year has been the landing of the Regional Glee Club Competition for the Central Ohio Division. The board had been unsure that something as aggressive as an actual competition at their school was a good idea. He had convinced them, however, that it was an excellent opportunity to give hundreds (give or take) of deprived public school children an opportunity to see the possibilities The Academy offers their student body who have chosen to live a life of inner peace. (Also? Enrollment has been down 20% over the last three years. A little additional exposure never hurt anyone.)

As he strolls down the hall near his office (unmarked, of course -- nameplates only breed vanity), the principal smiles as he hears the sounds of various show choirs warming up. He feels good energy, today. He really does.

Smiling, he notes that the door to the Thoughts and Meditations room is closed once again. The special space was a somewhat brilliant idea of his he implemented two years ago, and even HE was surprised at just how popular the room has proved to be with the students (the door is almost _always_ closed in between classes and after school). It is only when he is about five steps past the room that something clicks in his brain. Principal Vega stops and looks back towards the door. Squinting, he walks back and looks at a strange object hanging off the door handle.

He picks it up before he realizes what it is. Why is a _tie_ hanging off of the door handle? A suspicion starts to grow somewhere in the back of his head, but he can't quite seem to let it blossom. Surely no one would do such a thing in a _meditation_ room. He's relieved for a moment when he hears the low murmur of singing come through the door, but as he hears a distinct giggle erupt from the room, he frowns. He really hates any sort of confrontation, but something must be done. This is all very disrespectful (though why he expected anything less from public school children, he's not entirely sure).

Running a hand over his goatee, he takes a deep breath and knocks. The giggling breaks off abruptly and Principal Vega could swear he hears a deep voice say something that sounds like _your puckinfootberry_. (Your puckinfootberry? He really has never been able to keep up with all of the slang these children toss around)

He waits a moment or two, but when no one makes a move to open the door and answer his knock (surely they don't expect him to just enter a room unbidden?), he realizes he has no choice. Slowly, he opens the door but proves to be entirely unprepared for the scene that greets him.

A very pretty dark-haired girl is sitting in the lotus position on the floor while a shirtless young man (who is clearly still on a search for self-actualization if his _cry-for-attention_ haircut is any indication) sits next to her trying to bend his legs but not having much success. The girl looks up at him and beams.

"Oh, hello! Would you like to join us in our pre-performance ritual?"

********

This is how it starts:

Rachel isn't sure how she ended up in the dark room, but she knows she shouldn't be surprised. Noah has always had a way of getting her to do the _exact_ opposite of what she should be doing.

"Noah, we only have 30 minutes before the start of Round One, and Mr. Schuester wants us to be in our seats even before that. So really..."

"Well, then you better quit wasting time then, huh?"

Rachel shoots him a glare and crosses her arms. "I still don't understand why you need to work on the song _now_. Can't we do this after the competition? I'm happy to help, but I just don't understand the hurry."

The hurry is that Puck has hasn't touched her _inappropriately_ in way too fucking long and he really wants to get a hand up her skirt in the worst way . For once, though, he doesn't say the first thing that pops into his head. Instead, he goes with a version of something he once heard her say to Mercedes before practice. "Yeah, well, there's no damn time to waste in the fucking pursuit of awesomeness." He shoots her a grin.

Rachel rolls her eyes, "I think you mean _there is no time to be lost in the pursuit of excellence._ If you're going to quote me to myself, at least use the correct phrasing." (She's not sure who Noah thinks he's fooling-- she totally saw him put his tie on the door knob, but Rachel's wondering just how far she can get him to take this whole Disney thing.) "So, I'm thinking we should start with something simple, something familiar. What was your favorite Disney Film growing up?"

Noah gives her a look and Rachel starts to laugh. "Oh, come on. I won't question your baddassness. I promise." (He's trying to keep a straight face but not having much luck) "So what was it? _101 Dalmatians_? _Lady and the Tramp_?" She stops as a memory pops into her head. "Wait, I know -- _Pollyanna_!"

That's the breaking point for Puck. "It wasn't _Pollyanna_!" She scoffs at him and he frowns, "I'm serious. That shit is my sister's favorite movie. Not mine."

Rachel looks at him and he can tell she's getting impatient. "Fine. So what was yours then, Noah? You have to give me somewhere to start." When he stays silent, she looks at her watch, "Maybe we don't have time to do this right now, after all."

"OK, OK!" Puck scowls at her (and wonders when his seduction plans went so terribly wrong -- what happened to the straightforward days of offering to take a look at a woman's pipes?) and then mutters something under his breath that sounds a lot like "airynopns"

Rachel smiles sweetly at him, "I'm sorry. What was that?"

He glares at her. "_Mary Poppins_, OK? My favorite Disney movie when I was little was _Mary_ Fucking _Poppins_."

******

Yes, cursing a beloved British nanny is how it started. This is how it continued....

*********

While it is true that Noah has managed to lure her into a dark room with a couch, Rachel has not forgotten that she is at Regionals. She can't seem to resist seeing just how far he'll go to get her attention, but on the other hand, she has no intention of letting him get her horizontal at any point. (There are way too many other things to be done today.)

That's why A Spoonful of Sugar had seemed like a safe bet. What girl is going to get swept away by her own hormones while teaching a man to sing about a robin feathering her nest? Unfortunately, she underestimated the powers of one Noah Puckerman.

He's going through the song for the second time now, and Rachel's having trouble focusing. Who knew the phrase _helps the medicine go down _could suddenly sound so......well, _dirty_? Noah's singing the lyrics in that slow, sexy voice of his and grinning at her like he knows exactly what she's thinking. Rachel suddenly wants to find out just what _in the most delightful way_ could really mean.

(She's never going to be able to watch _Mary Poppins_ with her fathers ever again)

She's flushed and Puck decides the time is right to move in a little closer. Rachel seems frozen as he starts to run a hand down on her arm. Tugging at her, he draws her into his chest until he's singing the song softly into the soft hair at her temple. He feels a hot puff of air on his neck as Rachel lets out a breath she'd clearly been holding in for too long.

Rachel knows there's something she's supposed to be doing. Some reason why she shouldn't be caving to Noah's very obvious seduction routine, but right now her brain is a fuzzy mess of sensation. There's a very nice warmth spreading throughout her body and all she knows is that Noah smells _ridiculously_ good and is currently making her think very, very dirty thoughts.

"Noah?"

Puck stops singing and nuzzles his way down her cheek. "Yeah?"

She pulls away just enough to look him in the eye, "Wanna make out?"

Puck lets out a surprised laugh. "Damn, Berry. Thought you'd never ask." He swoops down and captures her lips with his. Rachel sighs into his mouth and he can't help but grin as he slides his tongue against hers. (Puck is a little disturbed at just how relieved he feels to be tasting her again. Hot and horny? Sure. But _relieved_? What the fuck is that about?)

One minute they're standing next to the door (Rachel had refused to go anywhere _near_ the couch when they first walked in) and the next they are on the floor near the meditation mats. Puck's not sure when he lost his shirt, but he's definitely not going to complain at just how suddenly _handsy_ Rachel has gotten. He's working diligently on paying the proper attention to her collar bone (_damn sexy_ collar bone -- how has he missed noticing this before?) while Rachel yammers in his ear about the judges possibly deducting points for any visible hickeys so would he please direct his admirable efforts to somewhere a tad less visible? (He moves to her shoulder)

Puck doesn't know what it says about him that he kind of loves that she bosses him around even when they're making out. But even though Rachel won't shut up, she's warm and willing and what kind of douche would he be if he didn't just enjoy the ride? Giving up on her shoulders, he starts to nibble on her lower lip as one hands work its way up her calf and over her knee. He's wondering just how far up he'll make it when Rachel tears her lips away from his. Puck's prepared for her to bring things to a halt, so he can't contain his smile when she instead demands that he sing _that song_ to her again. Rachel looks up at him as he slides his hand under her skirt (_YES!_) and bites her bottom lip.

"Please, Noah?"

Puck grins down at her. "_Mary Poppins_ gets you off?" He shakes his head, "Berry, you are dirty, dirty girl."

She gives him a slow grin and cocks an eyebrow, "Your point being?"

When Puck feels her hand slide around and dip ever so slightly under the waistband of his jeans, his eyes lose focus for a second. "Shit, Rachel." Then he quickly leans down and starts to sing about the _honeybees that fetch the nectar_. Rachel giggles and Puck feels an odd, warm sensation in his heart. (Which is _weird_ -- the only place he should be feeling warm is below the below the belt at this point....)

He's planning to kiss the laughter right out of her when there's a soft knock at the door. Rachel immediately freezes, so Puck knows it wasn't in his head. He's trying to get the blood back into his brain, but most of it is still pretty far south at this point, so his reaction time is not proving to be what it should. (Later he's going to wonder about that -- if anyone has had lots of training in quick sex cover-ups, it's him).

Rachel shoves him off of her and quickly sits up. Looking around the room like crazy person, she finally spots the small meditation bench towards the front of the room and lights up.

"Noah! I know what to do! Just follow my lead."

Puck is still gathering his wits, but when Rachel moves over to the mats and starts to bend her body into a weird position, he frowns at her and whispers, "What the hell, Berry?"

She whispers back, "Just get over here and do what I'm doing!"

Rachel's contorting her legs into some weird-ass pretzel and he cringes, "Your fucking foot, Berry!"

Whirling around from her position on the mat, she glares "Shhh!"

Puck mutters "that can't be normal" under his breath, but joins her on the mat just as the door slowly opens. He's still trying to figure out the pretzel pose when some middle age douche with a stupid goatee walks in. Rachel turns on her _I'm so crazy you have to love me!_ smile and practically yells at him.

"Oh, hello! Would you like to join us in our pre-performance ritual?"

(He tries to keep the _What the Fuck?_ look off his face because no way in HELL is that dude joining the pre-performance ritual that he and Berry just had going on.)

The newcomer looks from Rachel to topless Puck and frowns.

"Surely this is not the kind of _ritual_ of which your glee director would approve. Where are the young man's clothes?"

(Rachel tries not to sigh. Noah didn't think to put his shirt on? _Really?_)

She shrugs, "Oh, he finds that artificial barriers usually get in the way of his meditations."

(Puck shoots her a smile -- he's sort of impressed that she just pulled that out of her ass)

The old dude is still frowning. "I heard giggling. Surely you don't wish for me to believe that you _laugh_ during your meditations. Just how naive do you believe me to be?"

Puck really wants to answer that, but the crazy look in Berry's eyes is telling him that if he opens his mouth right now, he is a dead man. Instead, he finally gives up trying to fold his legs like an accordion and just lets them flop out. Leaning back on his arms, he shoots her back a_ Fine, let's see where you go with this look_.

Rachel gives the teacher a surprised look (she really hopes he's just a teacher -- some sort of school administrator could be potentially disastrous!). "Oh, have you not heard of the latest Laughing Yoga meditation trend?" She purses her lips, "I really thought a school such as this would be up on the newest research. How surprising." When he frowns but says nothing, she decides to go in for the kill. Looking over at Noah, she shrugs, "I guess this will make a good story for my blog tonight. Imagine! The Academy has never heard of Laughing Yoga." She sniffs. "What a shame."

"Oh, well, now..... there's certainly no need to start false internet rumors. Of course I've heard of the new...."

Puck zones out the panicked rambling coming out of the teacher and tries to decide if Rachel is an evil genius or a just a psychopath. When he realizes he doesn't really care either way, he lets out a laugh. The old dude stops talking and looks over at him.

Puck just smirks and shrugs, "What can I say? Laughing Yoga is the shit!"

*******

And that right there? That's how Rachel Berry got Noah Puckerman to try Yoga.


	10. Chapter 10

**Wow. This update is beyond overdue and I am so sorry for the delay. Real life has just completely sucked the creativity out of me for the past month. Hopefully this chapter will get me back in the swing of things.**

**Thoughts and comments are the highlights of my day!**

Chapter Ten

Rachel remembers thinking (not that long ago) that Noah might just be a little dead inside. She's not sure now how she could have ever come to that conclusion, though, since she's never met anyone more irritating, infuriating, and confounding in all of her sixteen years. _No one_ who is as fundamentally annoying as Noah Puckerman could possibly be dead inside.

Looking out over the audience, holding the Regionals first-place trophy firmly in both hands, she knows she should be ecstatic. (Rachel can clearly see Sam scowling from his seat in the front row and she makes sure to toss him a sweet smile that could either be interpreted as _Thank you so much for passing the torch, we've respected your leadership all of these years!_ OR _Whose stuck with a bunch of talent-less teammates, now? Eat it, asshole!). _

They performed their songs to the best of their ability. She and Finn performed an amazing duet of _As Long As You're Mine _that went off perfectly (the audience was absolutely spell-bound, if she does say so herself). The team received their second standing ovation this year.

Rachel should be bursting at the seams with pride and excitement and, well, GLEE.

But what is she doing? She's currently trying to resist the urge to bash Noah Puckerman over the head with a very large trophy as he flirts (sending a SIXTH wink) to a blonde in the fourth row (who -- judging by the amount of bosom currently oozing out of her neckline -- is clearly delusional about the size of shirt she really should be purchasing).

*******

This is how it starts

Puck still can't believe that Rachel managed to talk their way out of getting caught making out at Regionals. Her ability to bullshit adults is yet another possible benefit to dating Berry that he'd never really realized. (Not that he would do something as lame as make a pros and cons list about getting with some chick. And if he did have one, he would never write it down and put it in his wallet. _He wouldn't_.)

And while they may have gotten away from the Thoughts and Meditations room without getting their team disqualified, Puck is realizing he's not getting out of this one completely unscathed.

Cause Rachel? Is pissed.

The one consolation is that he's not sure if Berry's madder at him or at herself. He may have successfully gotten a hand up her skirt (if only for 30 glorious seconds), but this is Regionals and Rachel _allowed herself to be distracted_. Puck may not know much, but even he can see that Berry is going to have a hard time forgiving herself for that one. (Which is fucking stupid. But whatever.)

They make it through the early rounds and everything is going perfectly. Rachel is a woman on a mission, and for once the rest of the team is on the same page. They seem to be inspired by her single minded devotion to winning. The team may hate her forcefulness during rehearsal, but even Kurt seems to be willing to acknowledge that when it comes to game day, no one kicks them all into gear like Rachel.

Puck just thinks the whole thing would be a little bit more fun if Rachel would, you know, _look at him_ every once in awhile. But she hasn't made eye contact with him once since the _Laughing Yoga_ incident. The weird thing is, he sort of gets it. (And don't think that him understanding Rachel Berry's thought process doesn't freak him the fuck out.) He _gets_ it, but it still pisses him off. You can do a lot of things to Puck, but ignoring him is not one he will let slide. He kind of thinks Rachel should know this by now.

So basically all of Berry's rage is getting funneled into their routines and somehow turning her solos into show choir gold. (Finn's pretty fucking awesome too, not that Puck plans on telling him that at any point _ever_. Nothing is gayer than complimenting another dude on his singing unless it is complimenting another dude on his singing while you are both wearing glitter.)

When they find out they've made it into the finals, Rachel shrieks and hugs Finn. That's when Puck decides he's had enough. For a day that started out pretty fucking awesome, things have really started going to shit. If Berry won't acknowledge him, she's going to find out just how easily he can find someone else who will. (There's a nagging voice in the back of his head that is suggesting this might not be the best plan, but that's the good thing about being Puck. He almost always tells that voice to back the fuck off.)

Rachel knows that Noah is growing increasingly annoyed at her, but she doesn't care. He got her horizontal. At REGIONALS. What was she _thinking_? (She knows what she was thinking. She was thinking that Noah tastes even more amazing than he smells. But Rachel really doesn't feel that observation is going to bring her closer to any of her professional goals). The bottom line is that she clearly can't trust her own judgement when it comes to Noah Puckerman. Their sexual chemistry is just too unpredictable and liable to make her do something she will regret. So for the rest of the today? Noah Puckerman does not exist outside of his role in _New Directions_.

Once the find out they've made it into the finals, Mr. Shuester tells the team they have approximately 30 minutes before he wants to see them for their final warm up of the day. Rachel immediately tries to think of what she can do to stay away from Noah during that twenty minute space of time (she's sure he is going to go for a return visit to the Thoughts and Meditations Room). She's so intent on her plans to fend off his advances that it takes her a minute to realize that Noah isn't actually in the room anymore.

Blinking, she glances around the room in confusion. Is he in the bathroom? Where did he go? When he's not back 10 minutes later, Rachel frowns. He'd better not be at the snack bar filling up on soda right before their _final event_. Stranding up, Rachel squares her shoulders and heads to the door. Clearly, it is incumbent upon her as Team Captain to find out where he went.

******

Ignoring Puck is how it started. This is how it continued.....

******

Standing at the snack bar, Puck takes a gulp of his Dr. Pepper and scans the crowd. Turns out? There are some smokin' hot chicks at this thing. (He's not quite sure why he is just _now_ noticing this when he's been here all fucking day.) He spies a blonde giving him the _I'm hot and so are you _smirk from across the room and he's at her side in less time than it would take to say _Noah Puckerman is a stud_.

Tipping his drink towards her, he gives her the head nod with the wink thrown in for good measure (he's on a time limit -- no use pussyfooting around this thing). "Hey, there."

Hot girl grins back at him and Puck can't help but admire her taste in low cut tops. "Hey, yourself." She reaches over to run a light hand over the top of his 'hawk. "Love your hair."

Puck tries not to look too predatory when he grins at her (sometimes it is just _too fucking easy_).

By the time Rachel spots Noah in the courtyard of the snack bar area, there are only 5 minutes left until the final rehearsal of _New Directions_ is supposed to commence. He's sitting at a table under a tree with some _girl_ and she can hear him laughing from her position by the door. The teenage girl in her wants to shrink back inside and go cry in the bathroom (is she really _that_ easy to replace for him?) but thankfully the team captain in her is about ten times more strong willed than that. Stalking over to them, her hands are on her hips before her legs stop moving.

"What, exactly, do you think you are doing, Noah Puckerman?"

Puck tries not to grin when he looks up to see Rachel standing over him like some sort of deranged show choir enforcer. Instead, he lets a slow smirk cross his face.

" 'Sup, Berry?"

"What's up? WHAT IS UP?" Rachel closes her eyes for a minute to gather herself. (She didn't mean to let her voice get quite that shrill. There could very well be a judge sitting out here enjoying a mid afternoon snack, and she needs to remember that.) When she speaks again, her voice has dropped about an octave and is so soft that Puck has to lean forward to make out her words. "What is UP is that you are LATE for rehearsal. I don't know what you think you are doing..." (she flicks a gaze towards the confused looking blonde across the table) "...but it is _extremely_ unprofessional behavior."

Puck glances at his watch. "Take a fucking chill pill, Berry. I have plenty of time." When she opens her mouth to argue with him, he waggles his eyebrows at her, "Unless, of course, you were just looking for me because you wanted to get _warmed up _for the warm up."

The blonde giggles and Rachel's face becomes stony. (She's not sure WHY that girl is laughing. Does she not realize the guy she's flirting with is now hitting on Rachel _in front of her??). _

"You, Noah Puckerman, are an ass."

Puck just smiles at her. "And yet you keep coming back for more, don't you sweetheart."

*********

And that shit? That's how Noah Puckerman ended up covered in Dr. Pepper shortly before their final rehearsal.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter Eleven

There's a fine art to truly pissing off a woman, and Puck likes to think he's well on his way to being a master. The way he sees it, any douche-bag can get a chick annoyed -- that takes no skill at all. (Mention them being on the rag, for example, and you're past the goal line in one simple sentence). But getting under a girl's skin so much that her eyes take on that possessed look and she loses her shit in front of _everyone_? That takes skill.

Puck realizes that the situation really isn't fair for the women of Ohio. He's the perfect storm of natural talent and dedication to his craft. Finn used to argue that it takes more skill to make a girl happy than it does to piss her off, but that's just because his mother raised him to be a dickless pansy most of the time. Back in the day, Finn would be off picking flowers out of the neighbor's lawn for whatever chick he was in love with that week while Puck would find the skinniest girl in the room and tell her she looked fat. Do you really need to ask who started getting play first? (There's a reason Finn's still a virgin). Flowers and shy grins may make a woman think you're a nice guy, but Puck learned a long time ago that getting under their skin is a much, much faster way to get under their clothes. (Exhibit A? Quinn Fabray)

Puck would like to think that Berry's the same as all the others, but he's starting to believe that maybe (once again) Rachel Fucking Berry is the exception to the rule. Which is kind of messed up when you think about it -- cause who likes to throw a tantrum more than her? You'd think giving Rachel a reason to storm out of a room would make the fucking drama queen horny at the very least. Plus, the chick loves to prove people wrong, so any idiot could see that calling her an uptight control freak should make her want to shove him in a closet and show him just how spontaneous (and naked) she can get.

Strangely, neither of these things have proven to be true. The only time he's ever had any real success with getting in Berry's pants (cause seriously--that's _all_ this is about) is when he's been, like, _nice_ to her. Or made her laugh. Or sings to her. What kind of messed up shit is _that_? (And he really doesn't even know why any of those things happened. Total flukes, all of them.)

So now he's left with a dilemma. Accept that his life is complicated enough, forget Rachel Berry, and just move _on_ to someone who puts out a hell of a lot easier OR find his inner vagina and become the kind of douche who brings girls flowers and tells them nice things and talks about things like _feelings_.

Shouldn't really be a hard decision. Who wants to work that hard for a piece of ass?

That's why no one is more surprised than Puck when he finds himself standing on Rachel's front porch with some lame ass flowers from the 7-11.

Stupid fucking carnations.

****

This is how it starts

****

Quinn takes Puck aside after the Regionals Award Ceremony to ask him if he's lost his mind. It is obvious to the entire team that he has been purposely antagonizing Rachel all afternoon (Dr. Pepper bath anyone?) and no one understands what he's thinking. Quinn, in particular, has a vested interest in the situation since Puck seems to be all that is standing in the way of the inevitable Finn/Rachel hook up.

"Seriously, Puckerman. WHAT is wrong with you?"

Puck looks up from the text message that Chrissy (yes, the blonde's name is _Chrissy_...can you believe that shit?) just sent him and gives Quinn a baffled look.

"What are you talking about? I'm having a damn fine day, if I do say so myself."

Quinn rolls her eyes and crosses her arms above her stomach. "Don't be an idiot, Puck. You've been mooning over Rachel for weeks now, and yet suddenly you decide to restart the man-whore routine _on the same day as Regionals_? Are you trying to get us all killed?"

Puck's phone beeps with another message, but he tucks it into his back pocket without glancing at it. Scowling, he sticks a finger in Quinn's face.

"I don't fucking MOON over anyone.....let alone _Berry_. You don't know what the hell you're talking about."

When Quinn merely rolls her eyes again and turns around to walk off, Puck starts after her.

"And I don't have a man-whore _routine_. I am what I am, sweetheart. In this case, it happens to be a lady-magnet." He waves his hands in the general direction of his torso, "And you can't really blame any of them for wanting a piece of this."

Puck hears an unladylike snort come from over Quinn's left shoulder. He scowls and raises his voice, still following her down the hall.

"Don't be a hater, Fabray. You've got no room to talk -- you certainly didn't mind handing me _your_ cherry. You think you were the first virgin to give it up to me? Please."

Quinn stops short and gives him a hurt look, but Puck's too far gone to notice.

"You weren't the first and the good lord knows you won't be the last. And at no point during any of it will I be doing any _fucking mooning_ over any damn chick."

Sudden understanding dawns on her and Quinn gives him a chagrined smile.

"You're really pissed off about how much you like her, aren't you?"

Puck snorts. "What, are we in 6th grade? I don't fucking _like_ her. And anyway, if I'm going to be in a lame ass relationship with someone, it's going to be _you. _You're my baby mama and I take that shit seriously."

Tucking a stray blonde strand behind her ear, Quinn sighs. "Puck, we've covered this. You don't love me. I don't love you. We aren't having this baby together." Suddenly an amused smirk crosses her face. "But I don't remember saying _anything _about relationships." She points a finger in Puck's face, "You've been thinking about it, haven't you? You totally want to be in a _relationship_ with Rachel Berry!"

Puck can't seem to stop the hand that shoots over his back pocket to feel for his wallet. Once he's sure it is still safely tucked away, he frowns at her.

"That's the stupidest fucking thing I've ever heard you say, Fabray."

Quinn shoots him her best Cheerios smile but doesn't say anything as she walks off.

****

Self Delusion is how it starts. This is how it continues....

****

Noah Puckerman is _not_ going to ruin this moment for her. He's _not_. She just won the biggest professional contest of her life, and the mating rituals of a mohawked boy (who is probably in the _Thoughts and Meditations _room with the big breasted blonde as we speak) are not going to interfere with her ability to revel in this triumph.

Mr. Schue tells them they have about 45 minutes to be back at the bus for the drive home, and it does not escape Rachel's notice that Noah _immediately_ disappears shortly thereafter. Finn tries to pull her aside, but she brushes him off. A few months ago that would have been enough to set her heart a flutter and distract her from everything else for hours, but today that's just not what she needs. Cause right now? Rachel Berry wants to gloat.

That's why she goes looking for Sam.

Finding him takes longer than it should, and Rachel suspects this is because he is hiding from her (coward!). She's forced to ask approximately 9 of his teammates about his whereabouts before she is able to track him down sitting alone in the back of the deserted snack bar area. (Rachel briefly wonders just what it is about the snack bar that attracts teenage boys like gay men to Broadway, but then decides some mysteries are best left unexplored).

Walking up to his table, she gives him her cheeriest, most professional smile.

"That was a battle well fought, Sam. Your team should be very proud."

Sam bites off a hunk of Twizzler as he looks up at her and sighs. "I should have known I wouldn't be able to hide from you." He gives her a reluctant grin, "Though I was hoping you would settle for that 1000 watt smile you gave me from the stage that was sweet and yet still managed to scream _suck it, losers_." Standing up, he puts out his hand. "Very well, then. You have my official apology for underestimating your team."

Rachel can't help the look of surprise that crosses her face, but she manages to put her hand in his for a friendly shake. Shaking her head a little, she pulls herself together and gives him a slightly more genuine smile.

"Well, I'm glad to see that you can accept that you were very wrong about _New Directions_. As you saw, all of our members are very, very talented."

A little smile spreads across Sam's face as he stops shaking her hand but keeps it tucked in his. "Well, you can hardly blame me. My only crime was not noticing the talent of the rest of your team because I just couldn't take my eyes off of you."

Rachel's cheeks turn a dull red as she fights an inner battle against the charm Sam is shooting her way. She came here to _gloat,_ damn it, not to flirt! Tugging her hand out of his Rachel gives him a little nod.

"Thank you for the compliment, but flattery will not distract me from saying what it is that I came over here to say." Sitting down at the table across from him, Rachel takes a deep breath. "And what I wanted to say is this...." She pauses and Sam raises an eyebrow at her but doesn't say anything. "What I wanted to say is...." She stands back up (being taller than someone always helps her confidence level). "As team captain of _New Directions_ I just wanted to officially say that we really did kick your ass. Badly. So there!" Her voice gets a little louder as she warms to her theme, "In fact, _New Directions_ showed _Vocal Adrenaline _the door and said _don't let it hit you on the way out_." She's on a roll now. Her eyes start to look around the snack bar as she searches for further inspiration. "And....and.....well, the bottom line is....._You Got Served_!"

Sam lets out a bark of laughter that at first Rachel finds insulting. But when he tugs at her elbow and pulls her down to sit next to him at the table, she finds herself grinning back at him.

"Ah, Rachel. I've missed you." He shoves his bag of candy at her. "Twizzler of peace?"

Rachel laughs and takes the bag. "I don't mind if I do."

Eating candy and laughing is exactly how Puck finds them when he comes looking for Rachel 20 minutes later (cause someone has to tell crazy face she's going to miss the damn bus).

When she simply scowls at him (a damn _thank you_ might have been nice) all the way back to the bus, Puck can't ignore the sinking feeling in his chest.

_Vocal Adrenaline_ douche is back in the game? This is just _so _not his fucking day.

******

And that shit? That's how Puck ended up cutting off his own dick by taking Rachel flowers about 3 hours after they got home from Regionals.


	12. Chapter 12

**I can hardly believe it, but this is it! The final chapter!! I've had a blast writing this story, and I hope you guys have enjoyed it too. Please, please drop me a note and let me know what you think. The good, the bad, the whatever. You guys have been so great and so encouraging! Thanks for helping me dab my toes back in the land of writing fan fic!**

**Also, I wanted to be sure and mention that I have put my services up for the Support Stacie fic auction they are having. If you need more details, send me a message and I'll be happy to give them to you!**

Chapter Twelve

The thing about relationships is that sometimes they sneak up on you. One minute you're happily boning some chick, the next she's asking you to meet her parents and hold her hand at school. (And we're not talking the stupid minor league elbow holding shit he let Rachel get away with during _that week_. We're talking the full on, possessive _Back Off You Other Bitches _hand holding that chicks just love.)

Noah Puckerman has always been an expert at watching for that crucial moment when a fling threatens to become something more. Something _lame_. That's when he splits.

But this thing with Rachel. _That _snuck up on him.

Not only has he _not_ boned her (not even fucking close), but he's pretty damn sure Rachel would sell a kidney before allowing him (and his mohawk) anywhere near her dads. (Thank the lord) But the weird thing? He kind of _wants_ to hold her hand. At school. In front of people.

What. The. Fuck.

Don't misunderstand. He wants to bone her. Badly. But somehow it's become about more than that. And that shit? _That's_ what snuck up on him. (His badass card is totally going to get revoked)

Sighing, he looks over Rachel walking next to him across the school parking lot. She's talking a mile a minute about some new musical or some other shit. He rubs the back of his neck before shoving both hands in his jacket pocket. Rachel abruptly stops to make a dramatic point (all he hears is something about some dude named Tony who apparently ripped off some other dude named Neil and someone gave someone else some stupid award) but Puck can't stop looking around the parking lot.

Just how many dudes go to this fucking school, anyway? And how has he never noticed them all before?

Rachel grabs his arm and shakes it until he looks down at her.

"Noah, why aren't you listening to me? I really think that is important for you to know the history of...."

But Puck _can't_ listen because all of a sudden he notices Rachel's skirt (which appears to be the size of a large belt). To be honest, he noticed all that bare thigh she was rockin the minute he picked her up this morning, but it is occurring to him that he's not the only guy who can see her legs. He hears a catcall and shoots a suspicious glare across the parking lot before he realizes that it is just some lame asshole trying to say good morning to a group of Cheerios walking in the front door of the school.

"....music can truly bring you and Finn back together if you would just...."

The hand in Puck's right pocket twitches as he sees some freshman dick he doesn't know catch sight of Rachel. The idiot's expression doesn't change, but Puck knows what he's thinking. He's about to go spell a few things out for the little punk when he feels a hand on his arm and realizes that Rachel is still talking.

"....maybe the two of you should learn a duet for when you do your volunteer work...."

Fuck. He'd been hoping she would forget about Finn's stupid ass _singing volunteer_ story. He should have known better. The crazy in this chick just never lets up.

It's majorly annoying, and yet.....Puck's realizing that maybe there's something to be said for knowing what you want and doing something about it.

Giving one last dirty look to the still-staring freshman douche, Puck takes a deep breath and pulls one hand free of his jacket.

"...though I think we've established that you should really keep clear of any songs from Mary Poppins..."

Rachel's voice comes to an abrupt stop as Puck grabs her hand. Her brow scrunches and she frowns as she stares down at their hands and then quickly looks back up at him. Puck just grins as he winks, twines his fingers with hers and pulls a totally silent (yet no longer frowning) Rachel Berry into the front hall of the school.

(She doesn't catch the smug look he shoots back at any freshmen who might be watching.)

*******

This is how it starts

*******

Rachel's not sure what she was expecting when she answers her door, but she doesn't think _anyone_ could fault her for being struck dumb by the sight of Noah Puckerman on her front porch holding a bouquet of half dead carnations. She's silent for a few minutes as he squirms uncomfortably under the porch light. Finally, she softly shuts the front door behind her and says the first thing that pops into her head.

"Did you steal those?"

Puck looks down at the flowers and gives a strange little half shrug before shoving them at her. He cocks an eyebrow.

"Does it matter?"

Rachel's jaw drops (but her eyebrows stay put, so Puck's pretty damn sure she's faking her outrage). She really wants to tell him that _Yes, it certainly DOES matter_, but she knows that would be a lie. The truth is, no one has ever given her flowers before. (Dads don't count)

She's standing on her front porch in the dark and a boy just brought her flowers. And not just _any_ boy.

Noah _I'm romantically stunted beyond hope _Puckerman just brought her flowers. He could have stolen them from his grandmother for all she cares.

She reaches out and takes the bouquet from him as he give her his best _you know you want a piece of this _look.

"I believe the ... correct thing to, to....well, do in this situation is to graciously take the....the gift that has been....well, offered and to, to.... offer my t-t-thanks in return."

Rachel clears her throat. She knows she sounds stiff and ridiculous and she's never really stuttered like this in her entire life. But he just brought her flowers. She doesn't know what to _do_. (Sometimes she really wishes she had the instincts of a _normal _girl.)

Puck rolls his eyes at her tone. He's feeling more and more like an idiot, and he really wishes she's get on with the _being grateful_ part of this whole scene. Acting like a pussy was supposed to make Rachel jump him (or at the very least show him her bra). Instead, all he's managed to do so far is make her stutter and blink at him like a nervous owl. He's about to say something stupid when a word slips through Rachel's lips so softly he barely hears it.

"Why?"

She cringes after she says it and he can tell she wants the question back. And Puck would love nothing better than to act like he didn't hear her. But for some reason he can't do anything but say the first thing that pops into his head.

"Cause you bring out the fucking _girl_ in me, Berry."

Rachel blinks rapidly at him but says nothing. She has _no idea_ what that means. That can't be a _good thing_ to do to a boy, can it? Is he saying she makes him feel emasculated? And if so, why on earth would that make him want to bring her half dead carnations? (She never knew just _talking_ to someone could be quite so hard and so very confusing.) Tilting her head, she looks at him and decides to continue with the truth.

"I have no idea what that means."

He sighs.

"Neither do I."

******

Confused confessions are how it started. This is how it continued......

*******

They're sitting in silence on the steps of her front porch. Her flowers are lying next to her and Rachel's thinking about all of those ridiculous balls of butter that he helped her pick up which makes her think about wearing his _Flaming Lips_ t-shirt which makes her think about how good Noah smells which makes her think about the _Thoughts and Meditations _room.

Rachel shudders and her abrupt movement catches Puck's attention. The night air has gotten kind of cold but he's been so uncomfortable he hasn't really noticed. He doesn't want her to go back inside, though, so he shrugs off his jacket and tosses it on her lap even though she's only sitting about 6 inches to his right. (_Laying_ the jacket gently on her lap just seems like something Finn would do and he doesn't want to do anymore stupid _Finn Gestures_ tonight.)

"Here. Put it on before your midget body freezes."

She glances at him in surprise, but doesn't argue as she slips it on. Puck watches her give a weird little smile as she wraps herself up in his jacket (and he swears she just sniffed the collar). The whole thing is disturbingly hot, so he distracts himself by standing up and cracking his knuckles. Loudly.

"So."

Looking oddly relaxed in his jacket, Rachel finally smiles at him.

"So....what are you doing here, Noah?"

Puck shoves his hands in his pockets and paces in front of her. (She's afraid if he pushes his hands any deeper into those jeans there will be a problem. He still wears them _ridiculously_ baggy.) He shrugs as he glances at her.

"Can't a guy just come say congratulations?" (And sound like a total ass while he's at it? This was so stupid. Puck cannot figure out what possessed him to come.)

Rachel stands up and crosses her arms (as well as she can while wearing a jacket that is twice her size.

"Not a guy who has been a total ass for most of the day."

Puck shoots her an impressed look and Rachel can't help but grin.

"What? I believe that is the technically correct word for your behavior today." Her grin falls a little bit. "Sometimes _jerk_ just doesn't cut it."

Puck pulls his hands out of his pocket to cross them across his chest (Rachel can't help but breather a sigh of relief on behalf of his jeans), and glares at her.

"Whatever, Berry. _You _were the one ignoring _Me_. I can't help it if there are other chicks out there that want some of this."

Rachel's jaw drops in outrage (her eyebrows hit her hairline, so Puck knows it is real this time), but he's started pacing on the front lawn and doesn't stop talking.

"And besides, you're one to talk. Flirting with Finn one minute, sharing candy with the enemy the next! How is a guy supposed to have a chance when you're just off flittering around..." (His hands give a strange little shake in the air) "...with any dude that looks at you twice!"

"Noah..."

"And another thing!" Puck stops pacing and looks down at her, "I fucking watched _Harry Potter_ with you, Berry. But does that count for anything? Noooo. I sang you songs from Mary Fucking Poppins! But I talk to _one blonde_ and you're just jumping back into it with that asshole who insulted your team." He raises both eyebrows at her "Whatever happened to team loyalty, huh? Nice leadership, Team Captain!"

Raising an eyebrow, Rachel uncrosses her arms and puts her hands on her hips. "Noah Puckerman!"

"What!"

Rachel frowns at him (she really thinks that glare on his face is hostile and unnecessary) "Stop having a hissy fit and just tell me why you really brought me flowers!"

"Because I don't want those other assholes to get to second base before I do!"

Puck's pretty sure he must have yelled that loud enough for the neighbors to hear. Oops. Also? It seems to have insulted Rachel because he has to gently grab her by the arm to keep her from storming back in the house.

"Rach. Wait. I didn't mean that." (Uh, yeah. He TOTALLY meant that). "I just meant -- well, I don't like it when you ignore me. And....and.....well, I think we should keep hooking up."

This time she makes it all the way to the front door.

"Just you and me!" Desperation makes Puck spit out the words quickly.

Rachel stops with her hand on the door knob but doesn't turn around.

"I....I mean.....we just hook up with each other. No big deal."

Rachel turns around with a frown, "No other girls?"

(He can't decide if he's flattered or insulted by the look of disbelief on her face)

Puck nods. "No other chicks. But more importantly, _no other dudes_."

Rachel starts to smile, and Puck feels a panicked need in his chest to clarify. "Don't get me wrong. This isn't like, some retarded _relationship_. Other people don't need to, like, _know anything_." He's afraid he's pissed her off again but Puck's surprised when Rachel gives a thoughtful nod.

"I think that is probably a good idea."

"It is?" (He tries not to sound so surprised, but doesn't think it works)

Nodding, Rachel bites her lower lip (Puck tries not to groan). "Well, clearly we have shown that we are very compatible from a chemistry standpoint. I think it could be a good learning experience for us both. And there's no need to get the gossips in the school talking and making something of it that it clearly isn't." (She thinks she is successful at masking any bitterness that may have snuck in that last sentence).

Puck doesn't know why he's getting so annoyed. She's just _agreeing with him_. "Well, good, then." He resists the urge to shake her hand. "So.....wanna start now?"

Rachel rolls her eyes as she bends down to pick up her carnations from the floor of the porch. "No. My fathers are due home anytime now. You really should be going."

Feeling weird, but having no idea why, Puck just nods and starts to back down the steps. "Ok. Well, I'll talk to you later."

He's two steps into the yard when he stops and silently curses himself. He just left a girl on the front porch (a girl he now has the official right to make out with whenever he wants -- at least that's how he's interpreting their agreement...) and is just leaving without any action. When did this whole night turn into a fucking Finn impersonation? Puck spins back around, jogs up the steps and grabs Rachel before she can really even process what he's doing.

"Noah, what...."

Her questions are cut off by the press of his lips against hers and the warm slide of his hands under his jacket (that she's still wearing). Soon he has her pressed up against the front door as she nibbles on his lower lip. His hands are on her ass and her hands are up his shirt (the flowers are back on the floor somewhere) and Puck thinks he's never made a better deal in his life.

Rachel eventually pulls back, leans her head against the door and gives him a shy grin.

"Give me a ride to school on Monday?"

******

And all that shit? That's how Noah Puckerman and Rachel Berry started the most dysfunctional (and hot) non-relationship of their young lives.

**~The End~**


End file.
